Falling short seems to be something I spend my life worrying about. TOO MUCH! So much so that I worry so much that I guarantee that I do fall short, every time.
What I want to be? I'm still not sure what this looks like or feels like. All I know is that how I feel now, is not how I want to be or feel.
I've decided that I've been looking in the wrong places. I've been doing the things that will make others happy with me and then ULTIMATELY I will magically become happy with myself! However, because I'm doing those things I think will make others happy, they aren't the things that will actually make me happy and that's where I seem to fall short in effort and attitude. And therefore I'm still not happy.
When I search inside myself I can feel something of what I want for myself; it's when I interact with others, I seem to go wrong and get off track. I automatically, without a conscious thought, offer up the power to make a choice to those I'm interacting with- CRAZY!! I realise this, now! But I've only just recognised this is what I've been doing.
AND the horrible thing is that when I give up the power and allow someone else to make the choice I feel CROSS and MAD because I didn't get to do what makes me happy. I've rationalised this to myself saying that 'THEY' ( those who I handed the power of the decision to) mustn't rate me very highly as they haven't chosen to do what I would have liked to do. Where, in fact, they didn't even know what I wanted because I didn't tell them what I wanted or that what I wanted was important enough! How daft is that? Why do I do this? Not entirely sure but I think it comes back to my teenage hood. I never did what I wanted it was always what my mum wanted. As I've said before, I didn't do the rebellion bit. And because I didn't rebel I didn't assert what it was that made made me ME. I had (and still don't have) a clear view of what makes me happy.
Easier said than done. This morning I woke up and decided that I was going to drive to Stratford on Avon and see a play at the theatre. I thought that I'd drive down go to the matinee performance and then mooch around the shops (the thought filled me with glee!). So, when I got up, I asked my other half what his plans were and he said he didn't have any. I told him what my plans were and his reply was 'You're going on your own?' Now, as soon as he said that, I felt GUILTY for wanting to do something which pleased me. So I said "You can come if you want." So he said YES he wanted to come. BUT this is where I went wrong, instead of explaining that I was planning to go to the afternoon performance, I ASKED him which performance he wanted to attend- he said evening! He then said we could leave at 3pm (not spend the day there, like I had originally intended). I was miffed because I didn't want to do this, this had not been my original intention, however, I realised that I hadn't made this clear. So I pointed it out that this wasn't what I wanted but I'd already booked the tickets for the evening performance by now.
However, according to him, I was the one who should have stuck to my guns and not compromised if it was so important to me! I just expected him to want to best for me- but I hadn't communicated that it was so important to me.
So what have I learnt from this?!
That actually I do know what I want!
I'm easily swayed, in fact, I expect to not get what I want and I even look for ways not to do what makes me happy.
So what do I need to do?!
NOT give up so easily! Think through a bit more to make an informed decision.
Not expect others to do what I want without me telling them and then get upset because they do what they want - I need to be clear to myself and to others.
I think I need this tattooed on to my brain as I don't seem to live this at all! Must try harder!
Hx
