Tuesday 31 December 2013

Last post of 2013
Well.....I'm here, as promised. On the eve of 2014 to review my year.



What have I done? What have I achieved? What have I learned? Where am I now?
All good questions- some of which I have answers to, others it's 'still work in progress'! 
 

Relationships
I've now got a different relationship with mum- well, sort of... it's not 'right' yet but I feel differently about her. In some ways for the better and in others for the worse. Part of me believes that she's never going to change and so I have to learn to forgive and accept so that I can move on. She still gets to me; I struggle to be myself around her and I don't like it- hence, work in progress.
Things are good with hubby. We've been through some up and downs over the past few years and early on this year too but we seem to have turned a corner. He seems to respect me a bit more as I respect myself. We still fall out but I now know I can hold my own and am no longer worried about him leaving me and being lone as I know I'd cope!
But the biggest change of relationship is the one I have with myself. Finally, I have a sense of 'self' and who I am and what I want. That little nagging voice inside, the one who used to say horrible things, has quietened down and have sometimes been known to say positive and encouraging things!! Who'd have thought it?! However, it's still there and will raise it's nasty little tone if there's an exposed weakness. But I now know how to ignore and quieten it down! RESULT!!

New Experiences
Photography course- was brave and booked a weekend course and learnt about my camera and how to use it.
Going to the theatre alone- Been to the theatre a lot this year but went to see Hamlet on my own and thoroughly enjoyed pleasing myself.
Gateway Women meet-ups going to and organising one myself- met a lovely group of ladies who treated me like a real person- much to do with the fact that I acted like a real person.
Yoga- I joined a yoga class in July and found something which I love! It's helped both my body and mind.
Meditation- something I poo-pooed in the past but it's an amazing thing to do and again something that's helped me enormously.

Body Image
Losing weight- I haven't quite reached my 2 stone loss but I'm not far off and my size 14 clothes are far too big for me and are hanging off me.
My Clothes - having lost the weight I am more interested in clothes. During the summer we found a lovely shop in Saffron Walden called 'Mistral' the manager was so lovely and helped me to try on new clothes which, previously, I wouldn't have gone near. But I stepped out of my dull drab comfort zone and bought a whole load of clothes which I felt totally different in. I have continued to buy clothes from Mistral and now have the type of wardrobe where I can mix and match my clothes. Gok would be proud!

Confidence





Over the year my confidence has steadily increased.So much so that I have a real sense of 'self'. For the first time in my 41 years I actually feel OK about this Hanna Vasey person!
This new found confidence has enabled me to push at school- increasing my responsibility and desire to drive the school forward. I now recognise that I have a lot of skills and knowledge and that I can do it!!


Being a childless woman
Over this year I have come to realise that I wanted to have a child to give myself some sort of meaning and purpose, which I now recognise that it definitely wouldn't. I feel that the pain of being childless is beginning to heal. It's more like a scar which aches every now and then.


Lessons learnt
I am a good teacher- much better than I ever gave myself credit for!
I know quite a bit and assume that because I know it, everyone else does- which is not the case!!
I can do anything I put my mind to- I can, if, I can just push myself to do it!
I have determination- I can start and finish things- sewing a skirt from a pattern was the catalyst fro this.
I can be tidy and organised- when I de-cluttered the house in the summer I realised that I could be tidy because it pleased me rather than to please others.
I am allowed and SHOULD please myself and not expect others to please me.


Saturday 21 December 2013

Hi there, me again.... 3 days to go to the great HO, HO HO!
I've had a good year and in the same vein that I approached my summer holiday, I have decided to reclaim Christmas for myself.

What do you mean, you ask? Well, For the last few Christmases it's been a huge reminder of what I haven't got, and a rebellion against those things which are Christmassey, due to the pain of not having, and never going to have, children. 

As for this year, becasue I am beginning to heal and move on, I have decided to accept those things which I like because I like them and want them in my life.

So I took part in the crib project in school. Each child and member was invited to create a crib to celebrate Christmas. So I put my creative talents to the test and made a crib out of wire. It gave me great pleasure to be creative and make something. I also enjoyed seeing something through to completetion, a skill I developed over the summer.

 
 
The next thing I did was to make a wreath for our door.I'd always admired them but didn't think they were worth the money that shops were charging for them. I had a vague idea of how to go about it; so I bought a wire ring and used some beads, ribbon and 'greenery' from the garden. And, if I say so myself it looks okay!
 
The next thing I have done is by presents for a child. My hubby's daughter gave birth earlier this year. So I have a grandson to buy for. When we asked what he wanted for Christmas, we were told that he wanted a light projector which projects lights on to the wall or a large play mat. Having trolled the internet, I have found both and purchased both. It was weird to buy gifts for a child as it's something I'd desperately wanted to to do in the past but never had anyone to buy for.
 
I also decided to tell my mum that we were having a grown up Chiristmas. Because she wanted Grandchildren she has bought me gifts which ar very childish in a way. But it's no fun being the 40year old child! So we're having a grown up Chirstmas!! Less is more!! And I'm calling the shots!
 

 
 
Happy Christmas!
 
 
 
 

 
 

Sunday 1 December 2013


Hi there,

Me again another year older and definitely another year wiser! I feel that I have definitely grown and matured in this first year of my FU forties!

Hubby and I went to the big smoke today, we often went into London after we got the results of our failed IVF attempts. But today, we chose to go to get a different scene and some much needed inspiration. I fancied looking at some photographs, professional ones. So I looked up photograph galleries and found one off Oxford Street. We went in and looked at the different exhibitions.

Ironically, their main exhibition was called ‘Home Truths about Motherhood’. There were a range of themes to the photos all from a range of artists. Some were quite graphic and shocking. Many involved nude pictures of mother and baby; some showing the scars of Cesarean sections or breast feeding. Another section tackled the role of the over 50 mother and how she tried to view herself as a sexual being and reclaim her identity now she was no longer ‘needed’ as much in her child’s life.

There was a huge image of a woman, a mother, who had been photographed, suspended from the ceiling of a lounge and through her legs (so that it she appeared to be trapped) was a dolls house. I found it annoying. For me it symbolised a lot of what I experience from many mothers. They act like martyrs and moan about not having a life because they are too busy with their children. This got me thinking about woman and how come a lot of women end up having kids but don’t have a sense of fulfilment.

In my work, as a primary school teacher, I come into contact with a lot of mothers: mothers of children that I teach as well as work colleagues. I do see a lot of doting mothers who ‘love’ their children to pieces, which is lovely. BUT, many of these women have happily given up their lives to be a mother and therefore put all their efforts into being everything to their child. However, I also see the other end those who couldn’t care less about their offspring. Send them into school without a bye or a care, clothes which haven’t been near a washing machine; children who can’t communicate without getting cross because that’s what they’ve experienced  at home.

It got me thinking. Why do women who clearly don’t like children have children? Surely, they would have been happier without these ‘burdens’? So why did they get pregnant and have a family?

After a lot of thinking I wondered if it came back to what I thought when I started to ponder my purpose. Do these women think that they will find meaning and purpose to their life once they become a mother? Or is it related to the fact that society expects woman to get married and then have children? Therefore these women have children because that’s what is expected of them rather because they consciously choose to have them. WHY? Why does this happen?

I think it’s because, despite the feminist movement and the birth of the contraceptive pill, society portrays the function and purpose of women is to procreate. Women ‘like the idea of becoming a mum’ but often the reality isn’t always the ‘strawberry and cream Cath Kidston world’ of their imagination.

 Again, I started to think, if this is true, then, “Are we doing our girls, our women, a disservice?” There are many ways to find one’s purpose and meaning and quite often it doesn’t come from having children. Why aren’t we educating our women? Why aren’t we asking our young girls to find out who they are, before they become someone else? (A wife, a mother.)

I guessing it has something to do with what I believe to be the main cause of society’s failure: ‘The breakdown of the family unit’. More and more children are growing up in a family which lacks a father and the influence of worldly wise grandparents. Girls are growing up and becoming women without a father and crave the balanced family unit which they themselves lacked. Boys also are growing up without the positive male role models.

May be we should do more? But what?

One section of the exhibition really ‘floored’ me. It was a photographic recount of a woman’s IVF journey. Hubby and I both choked back the tears as we walked along this woman’s too familiar journey. The photos were framed and displayed at heart level on a shelf and so you we able to literally walk the journey. Under the different sections were pages of a Filofax calendar with familiar markings of different dates which spanned across several years. On each photo the woman was pictured alone and the clear emotion which screamed out from the pictures was desolation. Other people at the exhibition saw the different images, but I guessing unless you have been through or connected to someone who has travelled through this path many of the images would be lost on the viewer. However, I hoped that the pictures would provoke a question about the process. It was good to see that it was represented as part of the motherhood home truths exhibition, as it did show a balanced representation.

So we found inspiration in a way. Well, it was more like we shared a bit of our pain in a way, as the exhibition struck a chord in both of us. However, we are both much more stronger because of the IVF and in spite of it and it was a shared experience which binds us together.

Another 30 days until my big review of the year…. Better look at what I was intending to do this year…