The consciousness cleanse

The gift of self awareness

Today's tasks are to look at my life as an impartial observer, something I find difficult, as I can always feel the feelings. Sometimes I just wish that I could turn them off. Empathy is all well and good but it isn't always helpful. Also, feeling emotions just isn't helpful, it just sucks you back in rather than resolving and moving on.

"Take a step back and observe from a neutral perspective what you don't like. I will ask you to view your life as though you were watching a movie looking with a bit of distance to see what you like and don't like about your life and and what turns you off and robs you of your energy."


What do I wish I had never done?

• been too afraid to ask for help
• try to be invisible to others
• listened to others and drawn the wrong conclusions
• trying to please everyone else

What do I wish I could forget?

• the pain of feeling unloved
• the belief that I'm not good enough
• the pain of being left

What do I wish I could  do differently?

• not look to others on how to act
• make the most of opportunities i.e. try new things at school and college instead of try to be invisible and feel safe
• listen to and believe my real self
• not believing  that I needed others to tell me what to do or how to feel

What behaviours have I participated in that intentionally or unintentionally brought harm to others?

• my relationship with my sister
• relationship with P

Make a list of the things which have gone wrong in your life that you have taken too personally

• divorce of mum and dad
• death of  T
• re-marriage of dad
• not getting to be in play at school
• relationship with S
• not getting jobs
• not being able to carry a child
• relationship with my sister
• relationship with my dad
• relationship with my mum

How have you punished yourself? What do you do to beat yourself up?

• repeatedly tell myself I'm not good enough
• stop myself from doing things because I don't believe I'm good enough
• when things go wrong, use it as evidence to prove that I wasn't good enough
• compare myself with others
• tell myself how others thing about me
• become fearful in situations to prevent me from doing new things which I might like and be good at
• tell myself that others won't feel like this and the reason is because I'm stupid and they're not

What are all the reasons you believe you hold on to them?

• because I don't know how else to feel so this is familiar- I believe that I don't know how to act otherwise.

"Now, take another deep breathe and write down what would be available to you if you allowed all of your human behaviours, thoughts, feeling and experiences to love outside yourself- one arm's length away from you- from now on."

• happiness
• a clear balanced view of life
• a quietened mind that is not racing with endless possibilities
• the ability to see things for what they are not just how they make me feel

It says in the book that I don't need to do anything with this just trust the process, that I need to trust that the act of digging deeply and getting inner residue outside of me will have transformative power on its own.

"My darkness is an absence of light"

School's out for summer....

Yep! I'm officially on school holidays! My watch is on my bedside table, my school bag is tidied away, my school clothes washed and put away and my recurrent alarm is switched off! Unfortunately the grey fluffy alarm that bounces on the bed hasn't been switched off yet, but I have managed to find her 'snooze button' which means I'm getting some of a lie in.

After last summer I am really looking forward to this six weeks holidays. I decided I was going to put the time into writing my book and more self development. Last summer I read Debbie Ford's book 'The dark side of the light chasers.' It was a very good read and had an amazing effect on me. I bought, at some point, I can't remember when, another book of hers 'The 21 day consciousness cleanse'. I decided that it would give me something to work through.

Each day starts with a reflection where you feel you are, how your internal 'fire' is burning then each day has a focus and some tasks that you need to complete.

Today's focus is on DESIRE and how by identifying your heart's desire you can provide yourself with the catalyst for change. Today I am supposed to brainstorm all the different 'desires' that I have and then I am to sort them into 2 groups, one group for inner desires and one group for outer desires.
I've struggled with this. I don't know what I desire. I knew what I USED to desire but that's not going to happen and so I'm at a real loss as to what I want.

I definitely feel regret for not doing more when I was younger (mid-life crisis- what me?!!) so part of me wants to recapture my youth ( whatever that means...) I wanted a new job as a deputy but part of me feels that I've had enough of school and parenting other people's children. But there is a real desire to do something worth while and achieve something...but what?! I had this notion that I would like to support girls to be strong and make the choices in life that are right for them....but what does that mean? Part of me wants to support other women like me, who thought they'd find their meaning and purpose through motherhood. Some of those women are childless like me but not all, as I have come across many women who have given up their lives for their children only for them to fly the nest and leave them wondering 'What do I do with my life?'..... So help women to find their purpose and whilst doing that find my own. I also want to gain in confidence and re-lose the gained weight.  So, I guess I know something, but don't feel sure. I want to feel different and feel like I've changed as a result of doing something.

Well, have done some contemplating....
1. Inner desire: to find my purpose in life
2. Outer desire: to write my book

The next task is to think about why these are important and what you will gain from pursuing these 'desires'.

• to do something worth while
• to build self confidence
• to do something which will help others
• to use my strengths and experiences
• to gain recognition
• to achieve something
• to be in control of my life

The next task is to create visual images to accompany the desires- I've found this difficult but have made a start cutting out bits from magazines etc. But although I have very little to show for what I've been doing like many things like this it's not the end product that is the most important but rather the journey. This morning I felt miles away from being in tune with myself and my desires but now I am enjoying the time and effort I am putting in and things are gradually clearing.

Watch this space... I'll be back tomorrow!