Sunday 8 June 2014

Hi
Not sure what I want to write.... feel a bit stuck. Lost. having trouble starting things or just doing things. All my get up and go seems to have got up and gone!

I guess I'm down about not securing myself a new job for the start of the new year! It was my aim and I had an interview but didn't get it.(The Man did!- but we've done that post!)

We're not going away again this year, as things are pretty tight. Not that I'm that bothered really as we had such a wonderful last year.

I guess it's related to not having something to look forward to... and so I'm becoming inward looking again which is never a good thing. The nagging voice in my head says "start writing your book" but then the inner critic, headmaster as Jim Lawless would say "YOU?! Write a book? Now there's a laugh. "

Part of me feels that I could do it whilst the other side of me is scared to start- "What if I put in all that effort and it's not good enough?" (I should go into song writing and write this as a song as it could be the sound track of my life!!)

Where does this come from? Why do I always do this?
I think it comes from my inner perfectionist. Don't get me wrong I'm not one of these people who has to get everything right or perfect but there is definitely a voice who is forever talking about what I SHOULD DO and this puts me under pressure.

I tend to think about things as good or bad; wrong or right- bit black and white, I admit.So I think about the fact that I could only write a few 100 words so there's no point. Where as actually, if a did a bit each day, it would soon mount up.

I'm one for rules. I think that goes back to up bringing. I don't remember having hard and fast rules as a child. When I think back, it was a bit inconsistent which is probably why I impose my own rules. I know as a teacher of primary age children, they need clear boundaries and feel secure with familiar routines. So I'm guessing that's why I follow rules in a way. But my Dad was quite controlling so additional to my desire to obey rules I HATE being told what to do and will "cut my nose off to spite my face"!  

"I should have go this sorted by now!" see, there's that critic, again.

I guess I should devise my own guidelines to replace the inner critics 'shoulds'.When I took charge last summer things really changed- I need to take charge and de-clutter myself, just like I did with my house last year! I can chose! 


Something else I know I can do is to set unrealistic goals- i.e. to become an author as successful as JK Rowling. Now, there's nothing wrong with this ambition but it's hardly a goal to be worked on and measured against. I need to break it down and work towards it. JK was turned down a lot by publishers!But I'm sure she just wanted to get it down on paper at first. By setting an unrealistic goal the inner critic and Headmaster laughs out loud and I feel ashamed of wanting to do this. I'm my own worst enemy.

What did Taming tigers teach me about the Headmaster? ACTION!

Another thing I do is that I'm very reluctant to ask for help. Don't know where this comes from, but I see it in my classroom. Girls don't ask for help for fear of looking foolish! And I'm just the same. WHY? Aren't I the one who says to my pupils there's no such thing as a stupid question?
 
 Teacher, TEACH yourself!! 

The last  thing that I do is to compare myself with others. It's often a problem for the childless woman. To compare our lives with other women, those who have children. But I've always done it. Again it's a girl thing- why? Quite often it's like comparing yourself to the media images  of women- it's not real! Things aren't as they seem.

I seem to be attributing a lot of how I act and feel to being a girl! Maybe I need to come up with a new way of raising strong girls and try it out on myself....
 


Okay, having rambled a long, what have I decide to do?

  1. ACT
  2. De-clutter my rules and list of 'SHOULDS'
  3. Decide on my own set of guidelines
  4. Write a few words on my book and just get going.
  5. Contemplate how I can overcome my upbringing and develop myself into a 'strong woman'.

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