The consciousness cleanse

The gift of self awareness

Today's tasks are to look at my life as an impartial observer, something I find difficult, as I can always feel the feelings. Sometimes I just wish that I could turn them off. Empathy is all well and good but it isn't always helpful. Also, feeling emotions just isn't helpful, it just sucks you back in rather than resolving and moving on.

"Take a step back and observe from a neutral perspective what you don't like. I will ask you to view your life as though you were watching a movie looking with a bit of distance to see what you like and don't like about your life and and what turns you off and robs you of your energy."


What do I wish I had never done?

• been too afraid to ask for help
• try to be invisible to others
• listened to others and drawn the wrong conclusions
• trying to please everyone else

What do I wish I could forget?

• the pain of feeling unloved
• the belief that I'm not good enough
• the pain of being left

What do I wish I could  do differently?

• not look to others on how to act
• make the most of opportunities i.e. try new things at school and college instead of try to be invisible and feel safe
• listen to and believe my real self
• not believing  that I needed others to tell me what to do or how to feel

What behaviours have I participated in that intentionally or unintentionally brought harm to others?

• my relationship with my sister
• relationship with P

Make a list of the things which have gone wrong in your life that you have taken too personally

• divorce of mum and dad
• death of  T
• re-marriage of dad
• not getting to be in play at school
• relationship with S
• not getting jobs
• not being able to carry a child
• relationship with my sister
• relationship with my dad
• relationship with my mum

How have you punished yourself? What do you do to beat yourself up?

• repeatedly tell myself I'm not good enough
• stop myself from doing things because I don't believe I'm good enough
• when things go wrong, use it as evidence to prove that I wasn't good enough
• compare myself with others
• tell myself how others thing about me
• become fearful in situations to prevent me from doing new things which I might like and be good at
• tell myself that others won't feel like this and the reason is because I'm stupid and they're not

What are all the reasons you believe you hold on to them?

• because I don't know how else to feel so this is familiar- I believe that I don't know how to act otherwise.

"Now, take another deep breathe and write down what would be available to you if you allowed all of your human behaviours, thoughts, feeling and experiences to love outside yourself- one arm's length away from you- from now on."

• happiness
• a clear balanced view of life
• a quietened mind that is not racing with endless possibilities
• the ability to see things for what they are not just how they make me feel

It says in the book that I don't need to do anything with this just trust the process, that I need to trust that the act of digging deeply and getting inner residue outside of me will have transformative power on its own.

"My darkness is an absence of light"