I do think it's a funny old thing. Life I mean. For the grass is always greener on the other side, or so we think....
I headed out into the big wide world this morning after being stuck in at home because I was poorly over Christmas and New Year. I had several things on my 'to do' list including a haircut and buy a few things for school.
I went to a fabric shop to buy some 'stuff ' for my classroom and bumped into someone from school. After wishing each other a Happy New Year, the first thing she said to me was "Yippee I've got a whole day without the children!" The woman has a family of 4 children who are very active and busy so I could appreciate that she was making the most of the 'me time'. But I did wonder....what I would do to have one child who I would spend my time with. The grass felt very bright and lusciously emerald for me at that moment. She had no idea how what she said felt like from my point of view, even though I know that this woman is fully aware of what I've been through. I also know that this woman is a kind hearted and gentle soul, so I knew she meant nothing by it, and would be devastated if she’d realised what she’d said to me and how it could be viewed.
But it got me thinking...
From her point of view, she was looking for empathy and understanding, (just like me). Our perspectives just differed, that's all. She was saying something to me which, if she would have said to any one of her other friends, would have ordinarily been greeted with gasps of envy such as "Oh lucky you...I've got the swimming run, or the ballet run"... or any other type of run on the 'social diary of their offspring'.
I often feel excluded by the ‘Yummy Mummy-hood' because I don't have children but also because I don't have anything in common with them to communicate about. It seems to me that often ‘Mummies’ are defined by their motherhood and they have only that to talk about.
And, unfortunately, as I reflect inwards, I ponder “I’m defined by my non-motherhood”. Am I? Is that true? Or, because I can’t define myself as a mother, I can only define myself by being a non-mother. But isn’t that where the flaw lies? Should a woman be defined by her ability (or lack of) to have children? I feel that this is not how it should be. Again as I reflect, if I had become a mother, I too would have joined the ‘yummy brigade’ and worn my badge with pride. But would I have been selling myself short? Surly that’s not the be all and end all of being a woman. So what is? I feel, if I could discover this, then this would help me on my path of discovery…
So what is a woman? And what defines womanhood?
Well, in the first instance, she’s a she and not a he! And all the bodily parts that define their differences, that’s what I learnt in my GCSE Biology class all those years ago.
Okay. But there’s more to it than that…
Women are nurturing, emotional, caring, loyal, protective all those qualities which are so conducive to being a ‘mother’ but am I any less than a woman by not being a mother? I hope not, but if I’m honest, I feel it… but is that not to do with my low self-esteem rather than my lack of motherhood?!
I need to ponder some more…. How am I going to define myself?
Watch this space…
