It's true! Despite what they don't say- they DO feel it too!
I was talking to my hubby yesterday, about how far I felt I'd come on this childless journey towards the destination of acceptance. I explained that I no longer hated pregnant women, and the world is not full of pregnant women as it once was. There was no longer a sharp pain through my heart.
(You know, that feeling that the one thing that you want with all your heart EVERYONE else seemed to have. It's true it does get better with time! And yes I did wish them horrible vibes on the bad days!)
He agreed that I had moved on, and worked through my grief and he told me how he was proud of me. It brought a smile to my face. He was very quiet for a few minutes and then he said "You're far further along than me. I try not to think about it- but sometimes it just gets me! And it hurts big time." It was a major admittance from him. He, who doesn't do feelings- sound familiar?
But I thought that he was 'over it'. Because he doesn't he doesn't talk about his feelings, I often forget that he actually feels them. Now, don't get me wrong, I knew that it affected him- we were in it together!
But I learnt, early on, that men process their feelings very differently from women.
As women, we need our feelings to be talked about, they need to be out-of-the-box. We need to 'feel' them. We need to 'bottom out' on the pain before we can move on upwards.
This is not the case for men. So often they 'box up' their feelings, they never feel, them they just bury them away.
Each to their own. As we all deal with things in our own way. But it's really important to remember that both of you 'have' these feelings, and to not try and get the other to process them in the way.
- Try and understand that women need to talk to process their feelings
- Try and allow this by just listening - being there for her not trying to solve her problems because if you could have solved them you would have
- Allow her to feel the pain- I know its hard for you because you don't want her to feel anymore pain she has already gone through enough- but she feels better by feeling the pain- it starts the healing process
- Understand that women need to talk about all the details, even the more painful ones, in fact, especially the more painful ones- if she does not let these feelings out as words, they race round and round her head gathering speed and increasing in size.
- Hug her- Hold her!
- tell her you love her
- And, if possible, share a few of your feelings it will help her - honest!
- Understand that just because your other half doesn't talk about his feelings, it doesn't mean he doesn't have them- He does! (with bells on)
- Understand that a man's prime role is to protect and solve- he doesn't like to see you hurting, and because he can't solve it, he tries to protect you from it by not asking how you feel or letting on how he feels.
- Remember that his avoidance of the subject has nothing to do with him not being interested in the topic- he's trying to help by not talking about it. He's not pretending it never happened- he's trying to protect you and shield you from the pain.
Remember you love each other. Then: hug- share- hold- understand- talk- listen- allow each each to process the pain xx