Don't get
me wrong- it's not been perfect, but I feel like I'm worked my way through the
sh*t and I'm being to emerge through the other side.
In the
summer, I started reading a book called 'The dark side of the light chasers' by
a lady called Debbie Ford. It was part of the healing process that happened
over the summer months and I've picked it up again and the process is
continuing!
One quote
struck a chord with me: “There is nothing very enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you."
I feel
that this had been the mantra of my life and without realising it; I had become
so bloody good at it, that I had forgotten what was inside me. But over the
last few months I have begun to blossom, to bloom, and to emerge. I truly feel
like a butterfly who always believed that they were an ugly green caterpillar.
Whereas
now, because I am finally beginning to feel comfy in my own skin, I feel like I
am emerging out of my chrysalis and I'm becoming a beautiful butterfly!
I'm
beginning to recognise that what I have been through and lived through, hasn't
knocked me down, in fact, when I look at it I can use it to make me even
stronger.
I was
listening to Woman's Hour from Radio 4 on catch up today and they were talking
to Lisa Jardine about IVF. There was another woman on there who was talking
about her experiences and what she'd been through and how it had affected her.
I can totally sympathise, she had been through 4 rounds, and much less invasion
treatment than I had, but hard going none-the-less! She talked about how it
affected her life. She had lost her business, affected her marriage and brought
her to the brink of break down. I can believe it as the IVF roller coaster ride
is definitely not for the faint hearted.
But, it
got me thinking; I've turned out alright! I went through 6 rounds of IVF. The
first being one where I donated half my eggs to a recipient. I still don't know
if they were any good and resulted in children, I guess one day I will find
out... Then I went through more and more rounds. Ones where we agreed to keep
the embryos outside longer in order to establish the best- "going to
Blastocyst". The last round that I did resulted in me having a soya
infusion piped into to me via a drip. This treatment was so new that a new that
a nurse came to my house for a couple of hours whilst she administered the drip
and checked me so I didn't go into anaphylactic shock! We went through some
tough times but in the end it always brought hubby and I closer together. I
keep on going at school. Having very little time off at all! And bounced back
and through myself into Christmas plays and other child orientated activities.
Anyway,
the reason I'm writing about this is that I have finally come to the
realisation that I'm actually made of tough stuff! Yes, I've been through the
mill but I'm better for having been through it! In fact, I now realise that I
should be drawing on the experience, and utilising the strength and making the
best of myself.
I've been looking to move up in
school, to get a promotion. But prior to this, I never felt worthy, good enough
capable. Now just months on I feel so much more secure and confident. All I
have to do now is find the right school.
