Making Friends With My Anxiety

Making Friends With My Anxiety



Wish that I'd found this years ago!  A brilliant post and so helpful!

Thank you Shelia Bayliss

Advice to my 14 year old self

Hi me again, long time no speak things have been a bit manic, as usual  :-)

Have been thinking lately about life and where it's going....no answers there just more questions really.

 

One thing though is that I wish I could go back and try again knowing what I know now... but it's best not to regret as it gets us no where. So instead I thought I'd imagine that I could give myself some advice that is a positive spin on the past and something I can continue to take with me into the future.

 

So here goes...

 

Advice to my 14 year old self:

Dear 14 year old ME,

You'll do it, you'll get to college! You'll get through it and do it!
You are so much better than you think.

Your mum will be okay- you don't need to worry. Forget your dad, he's not worth it- but YOU are!

You'll met a guy and he'll become everything to you; he'll give you the stability you so desperately need now but it won't last for ever, nor should it.

 

Learn from the lessons, it will hold you in good stead.

You'll love being a teacher and you'll meet your future husband.

You'll never believe what you'll do! YOU that are so scared of you own shadow!

It'll be tough but you'll have the relationship you always wanted.

You'll be loved like you've never been loved. You'll finally know what it's like to be loved just because you're you.

They'll be tough times ahead but, as you've always known, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!!

You'll learn that your purpose in the world is not to have children... it'll be hard at first but it will be the making of you- honest!
You'll work through it and the world will become your oyster.

You are good enough!!- and always have been! NEVER forget this!

 

lots of love Me xx

Been thinking a lot about life, the universe and everything!

The main thrust of my coming to terms with my childlessness is to do with what my purpose is?- who am I?

The childless nature of my life, I think, has made me face this existential question earlier than most women- but I would have always asked it of myself. I'm just asking myself earlier because I'm not caught up with being a mum and I'm having to face it now.

Coming to terms with not having children, not being a mother, is definitely a grieving process.

When I think back to the morning of my last pregnancy test- the shock of a negative result was a definite denial.the classic first stage of grief.
" It couldn't be- we had had forked out thousands of pounds for blood tests which were were sent to one little clinic in Chicago."
" I'd been pumped up with soya protein. My embryos had gone to blastocyst."
Everything was as it should be! It had to be positive.!!.....but it wasn't.

I remember the dawning of the reality. It was very strange.

 In one way it was dark and black and foreboding but in a different light I could breathe a light, feathery breath of relief. There was a much needed sense of certainty which had been missing through the endless IVF cycles. I felt a relief that I finally knew that it was certain that I was never going to have a child of my own. But then the dark feelings came and filled the void.
"What was going to become of me? " The fear builds within me
"When I die who would bury me?"
I have very few close friends- all I could see was that I would die alone in my own house surrounded by my cats- in fact they would eat me...... a gruesome and terrifying thought but a real fear non-the-less. 

I'm happy to say that this thought doesn't occupy my thoughts as often as it did in the early days - it's not gone but it's not at the for front of my mind. 

I also remember the anger at every pregnant woman that I saw, particularly those who we're smoking or drinking or surrounded by a brood of kids and complaining about being pregnant.
I remember being angry at my own body for not doing what it was supposed to- for making me feel like an 'un-woman'.
I was angry at myself for not trying sooner.
I was angry at myself for being so careful in my teenage years.
I was angry!

But that is no longer with me as much. The anger has subsided.

I can now cope being around babies and pregnant women. I no longer run away scared to face them in fear of what I might do, say or how I might behave.(I was often fearful of what irrational thoughts might push me into doing)

I'm moving on. I never thought that would happen. I feared that I would always be stuck with in grief of an invisible loss.

This healing started when I found other women who were going through the same feelings.

Before meeting like minded women I spoke to family and friends- like you do, when you are grieving. And,they would try to offer support. But unlike when you have lost someone you loved when you are grieving due to infertility people, well- meaning people, try to fix or cheer you up.

You would never suggest to anyone whose family member had just died that they should check it out by placing a mirror on their late relative in case you could see their breath. You would never suggest that they aren't dead and that something else could be done. You would never (at least I hope not) suggest that they would be resurrected like Lazarus- BUT when people are grieving the loss of not having children, that's exactly what happens. The well meaning people try to get you to see the positives and hear the miracle baby stories! DON'T- we need to grieve! We need to feel our pain and not hide it away.

So, in case anyone might read this and know someone who is going through and coming to terms with  not having children.
Here are a few suggestions:

• Talk to your Friend/family member BUT more importantly listen! Let them tell you about the hurt and the pain.
• Resist the temptation to try and say something to make it feel better! You can't make them feel better! FACT!! But they may feel better for talking and you listening.
• Don't try to change the subject! This makes them feel ashamed of their feelings.
• Allow them to have their feelings- Yes they may feel like they hate all pregnant women that's quite normal for a childless woman - let them be normal!! It helps, honest. And doesn't mean they are going mad and will do anything stupid!
• Don't recount miracle baby stories- it doesn't help.
• Don't think that adoption is an alternative- it's not- That's another blog entry!!
• Agree that life is unfair-but remind them that you are here for them through their bad times.
• Hug them- Be there! Sometimes being there and not talking helps.

If you have an additional suggestions please tell me. Or if you have any questions about what to say please share- that way we can all help each other.