Hi there, long time no speak. I've been away, metephorically speaking anyway.

I'd love to say Da Dah! (in a number7 kind of way) that I have found myself! But I would be lying.

However, I do feel as though I've made strides in this voyage of self discovery.

Basically, I am experiencing something which most other people of my age went through 25 years ago. (Late developer or what?!) What am I on about? Teenage rebellion. Due to the nature of my family, I didn't do the stroppy teenage bit. I came in when I was told. I wore what was acceptable. Never argued, sulked, slammed, grunted or slobbed. Sadly, I was the dream teenage daughter. This fact has come back to bite me on the bum, big time!

Recetly, I've have been looking over my life as a whole, in the form of a time line reminising and looking the formative events which made me into the person I had become. My early life, i.e. the first 7 years were splatted with 'arguments'. My parents eventually separated and divorced by the time I was 13 but the years leading up to this weren't the most joyous. In fact, I have very few 'happy' childhood memories. I've realised that my parents weren't really ready to be parents so, as a result, I ended up parenting them, my little sister and ultimately myself.

A couple of years ago, I tackled my father about what happened and the role he played, but, strangely enough, he wanted me to understand the effect it had all had on him. A dead loss, sad, but true.

And so recently, I have tackled my mum. Mum was the parent with whom I lived after the divorce. We had a supportive relationship. By her own admittance I was such a 'reliable kid'. She would talk to me about stuff and I'd listen and help.I was the problem solver, the peace maker the one who could cope in a crisis. I was a 'good girl'. I did my best to look after my mum. Prior to the divorce, she was involved with a man who actually committed suicide 18months or so into their relationship. This was rough time in our lives. For me, my role was about 'keeping us' a float as a family. We had been through a lot together, some of it was quite rough and others just downright scary. But I helped stear, and sometimes bale out, the ship.



My mum was the eldest girl in a family of 3 children. She has a younger brother and sister. (My uncle is in the middle). She was born during the war and her father was in the RAF. So, when the war was over, she was no longer the babe in arms that he'd left behind. In fact he now had a young son and a new baby girl. My mum was no longer a baby but a little girl who was already walking, talking and had her own personality. From what my mum has told me, she and her Dad really struggled to develop a close bond. He couldn't relate to her, where as he was forming a really close bond with his other daughter. I believe that this had a huge effect on my mum and how she viewed herself. She's always had low self esteem and I believe this has come from this sibling rivalry. Subsquently she grew up with need to please but a personality to take risks and get noticed.

So, in my opinion she wasn't really ready to become a parent. She hadn't sorted out her own issues, she hadn't embarked of the voyage of self discovery. She had an idea of what she should do (in a view to please other). She became a wife and a mother- Da dah! Instant happiness! Yes?! NO!

This makes me look at my own journey. I was following in my mum's steps to a degree. If I'm honest, I was expecting the 'Da dah! moment' once I got married and started a family.... But it wasn't to happen. But, I think I would have been seriously disappointed. I wouldn't have found my purpose in life just by being a mother. It would have given me things to do but not necessary helped me to feel good about myself!

 

I grew up with this low self esteem as a consquence of my mother, my father, their arguments, their divorce and the belief I held about myself. I never felt good enough and believed that I wasn't worthy.

 

But, by standing up and tackling my parents I feel that I've asserted my worthiness. I've realised I am good enough! That how I felt as a child and a teenager was the bit that wasn't good enough- not ME!

I've realised that I've been through a lot and am actually made of tough stuff!

 

So, is my teenage rebellion over? erm...not sure....but I'm definitely getting through it!

(better late than never!)

 

So who am I? What is my purpose? What will give my life meaning? 

My voyage of self discovery continues....