Last post of 2013
Well.....I'm here, as promised. On the eve of 2014 to review my year.

What have I done? What have I achieved? What have I learned? Where am I now?

All good questions- some of which I have answers to, others it's 'still work in progress'! 

 

Relationships
I've now got a different relationship with mum- well, sort of... it's not 'right' yet but I feel differently about her. In some ways for the better and in others for the worse. Part of me believes that she's never going to change and so I have to learn to forgive and accept so that I can move on. She still gets to me; I struggle to be myself around her and I don't like it- hence, work in progress.
Things are good with hubby. We've been through some up and downs over the past few years and early on this year too but we seem to have turned a corner. He seems to respect me a bit more as I respect myself. We still fall out but I now know I can hold my own and am no longer worried about him leaving me and being lone as I know I'd cope!
But the biggest change of relationship is the one I have with myself. Finally, I have a sense of 'self' and who I am and what I want. That little nagging voice inside, the one who used to say horrible things, has quietened down and have sometimes been known to say positive and encouraging things!! Who'd have thought it?! However, it's still there and will raise it's nasty little tone if there's an exposed weakness. But I now know how to ignore and quieten it down! RESULT!!

New Experiences
Photography course- was brave and booked a weekend course and learnt about my camera and how to use it.
Going to the theatre alone- Been to the theatre a lot this year but went to see Hamlet on my own and thoroughly enjoyed pleasing myself.
Gateway Women meet-ups going to and organising one myself- met a lovely group of ladies who treated me like a real person- much to do with the fact that I acted like a real person.
Yoga- I joined a yoga class in July and found something which I love! It's helped both my body and mind.
Meditation- something I poo-pooed in the past but it's an amazing thing to do and again something that's helped me enormously.

Body Image
Losing weight- I haven't quite reached my 2 stone loss but I'm not far off and my size 14 clothes are far too big for me and are hanging off me.
My Clothes - having lost the weight I am more interested in clothes. During the summer we found a lovely shop in Saffron Walden called 'Mistral' the manager was so lovely and helped me to try on new clothes which, previously, I wouldn't have gone near. But I stepped out of my dull drab comfort zone and bought a whole load of clothes which I felt totally different in. I have continued to buy clothes from Mistral and now have the type of wardrobe where I can mix and match my clothes. Gok would be proud!

Confidence

Over the year my confidence has steadily increased.So much so that I have a real sense of 'self'. For the first time in my 41 years I actually feel OK about this Hanna Vasey person!
This new found confidence has enabled me to push at school- increasing my responsibility and desire to drive the school forward. I now recognise that I have a lot of skills and knowledge and that I can do it!!

Being a childless woman
Over this year I have come to realise that I wanted to have a child to give myself some sort of meaning and purpose, which I now recognise that it definitely wouldn't. I feel that the pain of being childless is beginning to heal. It's more like a scar which aches every now and then.

Lessons learnt
I am a good teacher- much better than I ever gave myself credit for!
I know quite a bit and assume that because I know it, everyone else does- which is not the case!!
I can do anything I put my mind to- I can, if, I can just push myself to do it!
I have determination- I can start and finish things- sewing a skirt from a pattern was the catalyst fro this.
I can be tidy and organised- when I de-cluttered the house in the summer I realised that I could be tidy because it pleased me rather than to please others.
I am allowed and SHOULD please myself and not expect others to please me.