The grass is always greener on the other side...or is it?

I do think it's a funny old thing. Life I mean. For the grass is always greener on the other side, or so we think....

I headed out into the big wide world this morning after being stuck in at home because I was poorly over Christmas and New Year. I had several things on my 'to do' list including a haircut and buy a few things for school.

I went to a fabric shop to buy some 'stuff ' for my classroom and bumped into someone from school. After wishing each other a Happy New Year, the first thing she said to me was "Yippee I've got a whole day without the children!" The woman has a family of 4 children who are very active and busy so I could appreciate that she was making the most of the 'me time'. But I did wonder....what I would do to have one child who I would spend my time with. The grass felt very bright and lusciously emerald for me at that moment. She had no idea how what she said felt like from my point of view, even though I know that this woman is fully aware of what I've been through. I also know that this woman is a kind hearted and gentle soul, so I knew she meant nothing by it, and would be devastated if she’d realised what she’d said to me and how it could be viewed.

 

But it got me thinking...

 

From her point of view, she was looking for empathy and understanding, (just like me). Our perspectives just differed, that's all. She was saying something to me which, if she would have said to any one of her other friends, would have ordinarily been greeted with gasps of envy such as "Oh lucky you...I've got the swimming run, or the ballet run"... or any other type of run on the 'social diary of their offspring'.

I often feel excluded by the ‘Yummy Mummy-hood' because I don't have children but also because I don't have anything in common with them to communicate about. It seems to me that often ‘Mummies’ are defined by their motherhood and they have only that to talk about.

And, unfortunately, as I reflect inwards, I ponder “I’m defined by my non-motherhood”. Am I? Is that true? Or, because I can’t define myself as a mother, I can only define myself by being a non-mother. But isn’t that where the flaw lies? Should a woman be defined by her ability (or lack of) to have children? I feel that this is not how it should be. Again as I reflect, if I had become a mother, I too would have joined the ‘yummy brigade’ and worn my badge with pride. But would I have been selling myself short? Surly that’s not the be all and end all of being a woman. So what is? I feel, if I could discover this, then this would help me on my path of discovery…

So what is a woman? And what defines womanhood?

Well, in the first instance, she’s a she and not a he! And all the bodily parts that define their differences, that’s what I learnt in my GCSE Biology class all those years ago.

 

Okay. But there’s more to it than that…

 

Women are nurturing, emotional, caring, loyal, protective all those qualities which are so conducive to being a ‘mother’ but am I any less than a woman by not being a mother? I hope not, but if I’m honest, I feel it… but is that not to do with my low self-esteem rather than my lack of motherhood?!

I need to ponder some more…. How am I going to define myself?

 

Watch this space…

New Year, New Me!

I like and dislike NEW YEARS EVE in equal measure. I like the excitement of a brand new fresh start but really dislike the fuss of partying and counting down to the strike of mid-night.

I also hate the thought of New Year’s resolutions which state that I need to do something, or not do something, because I'm still not good enough as I am!

 

So how do I make this New Year different from the last? I still feel like I'm not good enough, too fat, too unfit, too disorganised, too lazy, too indecisive blah, blah, blah...

 

But this year is going to be different!! But, HOW?

 

Years ago I attended a 'Women's Conference' and one of the seminars I attended was called "Fake it until you make it!" This has just come back to me loud and clear! This year, well this next year, 2013, I'm not going to behave as if I'm not good enough, in fact, quite the reverse- I'm going to act as though I'm already good enough and live this new childless path with happiness and confidence as though I've chosen it.

 

So, in ONE year’s time, when I sit at my computer on the eve of 2014, what do I want to be looking back on? What do I want to achieve in 2013? Oh, good question!? What does the happy and fulfilled childless woman think? (that's me talking to my new alter ego)

 

 

New experiences, as in tried new things, rather doing what I’ve always done and what’s familiar. Found new things which I like and even those I dislike (I’ll know because I’ve tried them and made an informed decision) I would like to have developed new friendships so that I others in my life to share my up and downs with. Lose weight so that I am able to enjoy a fit and active life style. Stay in the moment and not waste time in the past or in the ‘if only’. Not worry about the things I can’t change and begin to accept them. And do something about those things I can do something about!  Achieve something because I stuck at it, and worked at it. But what? That’s far too 'waffly'.

 A new job. Get promotion.  Have a photograph published. Write a book. Drink more water. Take a dance class. Join an amateur dramatic group. Go to a photography club.  Lose 2 stone in weight. Buy a pair of size 10 jeans because that’s my size…. Now am I being realistic or am I just re-hashing the same New Year’s Resolutions from the last 10 years?! In some ways I am, but I didn’t have the determination or the need which I now have. And I’m giving myself permission to decide I don’t like something as long as I’ve tried it rather than decide that I probably won’t like it without trying it.

So here’s to a fun filled year of activity in which I am ALREADY good enough and ‘act as if…’

H x

Another Christmas been and gone!

Well, that's it over for another year! Phew! This one was the first which wasn't prefaced with "This time next year..."

This was our first Christmas where the 'hope' of children was no longer valid.

To cut a long and painful story short, we've been trying for kids for years. Been through 6 (self- funded)  IVF cycles. 2 miscarriages .  2 adoption rejections.  We've decided it's not going to happen so, it's time to move on.... I say we've decided, it's more that it has been decided for us. But I'm trying to maintain some control by saying 'I've', 'We've' decided!

So, time to move on, to get on with our lives but where, what, how? This is where whoever REALLY decided, let us down. If we had truly decided, then surely we would have some modicum of idea as to what to do with our life- just us two...  but we don't....

We had originally decided that we would have a little girl (or a little boy, either would have been fine!!) We were going to have family meals around the table. We were going to the beach and the park to enjoy the simple things in life. You know, jumping waves or running through fallen leaves. We were going to play and dance and sing, we were going to have a fantastic bedtime routine and really enjoy being together. We were going to relive our childhoods though our child. But that's not going to happen....so what happens now? Good question!

The world's our oyster, we're child-FREE! We should make the most of this opportunity.

PARALYSIS is what is happening.... fear....bewilderment....indecision....

It's made me really question my whole life purpose....What is the point? What am I supposed to do? Dramatic, I know....but it is to me!

In this world in which we live, there seems to be a fixation with being a mother. Don't get me wrong I've bought into it along with the next woman. But is that what it's all about? Or is there a valid alternative? Well, that's what I'm hoping to explore and FIND over the next 12 months.

Hx