Hello,
A whole month into the new year and if I'm honest it's been a bit wobbly!

I feel like I've lost the drive that I had in the run up to Christmas. Things have slowed and I have been in contemplation mode.

I think that I have taken my foot of the pedal and have lost  bit of the momentum which I had previously built up.

However, I came across a book which I read about on a blog by a deputy head.

The book was called 'Taming Tigers' by Jim Lawless. It has ten rules to live by and it id described as Richard Dunwoody (horse racing) the antidote to self help books.
I was intrigued! I duly ordered it on Amazon and it arrived about a week ago.

It's just what I needed! A proverbial kick up the bum!
I haven't finished reading it but it is a provoking read!

Here are the ten rules:
1. Act boldly today- time is limited
2. Rewrite the rule book- challenge it hourly
3. Head in the direction of where you want to arrive, every day
4.It's all in the mind
5. The tools for taming tigers are all around you
6. There is no safety in numbers
7.Do something scary everyday
8.Understand and control your time to create change
9. Create disciplines- do the basics brilliantly
10. Never, never give up! 

It's an interesting and challenging read. I am keen to learn and follow the rules but I have a very familiar tiger who roars loudly and is used to me backing down immediately as soon as it raises its head.
I love cats; in fact I love big cats including tigers. I need to tame the one who dwells within me and challenge it daily.
I aim to write about the process once I have completed the book......watch this space!

Last post of 2013
Well.....I'm here, as promised. On the eve of 2014 to review my year.

What have I done? What have I achieved? What have I learned? Where am I now?

All good questions- some of which I have answers to, others it's 'still work in progress'! 

 

Relationships
I've now got a different relationship with mum- well, sort of... it's not 'right' yet but I feel differently about her. In some ways for the better and in others for the worse. Part of me believes that she's never going to change and so I have to learn to forgive and accept so that I can move on. She still gets to me; I struggle to be myself around her and I don't like it- hence, work in progress.
Things are good with hubby. We've been through some up and downs over the past few years and early on this year too but we seem to have turned a corner. He seems to respect me a bit more as I respect myself. We still fall out but I now know I can hold my own and am no longer worried about him leaving me and being lone as I know I'd cope!
But the biggest change of relationship is the one I have with myself. Finally, I have a sense of 'self' and who I am and what I want. That little nagging voice inside, the one who used to say horrible things, has quietened down and have sometimes been known to say positive and encouraging things!! Who'd have thought it?! However, it's still there and will raise it's nasty little tone if there's an exposed weakness. But I now know how to ignore and quieten it down! RESULT!!

New Experiences
Photography course- was brave and booked a weekend course and learnt about my camera and how to use it.
Going to the theatre alone- Been to the theatre a lot this year but went to see Hamlet on my own and thoroughly enjoyed pleasing myself.
Gateway Women meet-ups going to and organising one myself- met a lovely group of ladies who treated me like a real person- much to do with the fact that I acted like a real person.
Yoga- I joined a yoga class in July and found something which I love! It's helped both my body and mind.
Meditation- something I poo-pooed in the past but it's an amazing thing to do and again something that's helped me enormously.

Body Image
Losing weight- I haven't quite reached my 2 stone loss but I'm not far off and my size 14 clothes are far too big for me and are hanging off me.
My Clothes - having lost the weight I am more interested in clothes. During the summer we found a lovely shop in Saffron Walden called 'Mistral' the manager was so lovely and helped me to try on new clothes which, previously, I wouldn't have gone near. But I stepped out of my dull drab comfort zone and bought a whole load of clothes which I felt totally different in. I have continued to buy clothes from Mistral and now have the type of wardrobe where I can mix and match my clothes. Gok would be proud!

Confidence

Over the year my confidence has steadily increased.So much so that I have a real sense of 'self'. For the first time in my 41 years I actually feel OK about this Hanna Vasey person!
This new found confidence has enabled me to push at school- increasing my responsibility and desire to drive the school forward. I now recognise that I have a lot of skills and knowledge and that I can do it!!

Being a childless woman
Over this year I have come to realise that I wanted to have a child to give myself some sort of meaning and purpose, which I now recognise that it definitely wouldn't. I feel that the pain of being childless is beginning to heal. It's more like a scar which aches every now and then.

Lessons learnt
I am a good teacher- much better than I ever gave myself credit for!
I know quite a bit and assume that because I know it, everyone else does- which is not the case!!
I can do anything I put my mind to- I can, if, I can just push myself to do it!
I have determination- I can start and finish things- sewing a skirt from a pattern was the catalyst fro this.
I can be tidy and organised- when I de-cluttered the house in the summer I realised that I could be tidy because it pleased me rather than to please others.
I am allowed and SHOULD please myself and not expect others to please me.

Hi there, me again.... 3 days to go to the great HO, HO HO!
I've had a good year and in the same vein that I approached my summer holiday, I have decided to reclaim Christmas for myself.

What do you mean, you ask? Well, For the last few Christmases it's been a huge reminder of what I haven't got, and a rebellion against those things which are Christmassey, due to the pain of not having, and never going to have, children. 

As for this year, becasue I am beginning to heal and move on, I have decided to accept those things which I like because I like them and want them in my life.

So I took part in the crib project in school. Each child and member was invited to create a crib to celebrate Christmas. So I put my creative talents to the test and made a crib out of wire. It gave me great pleasure to be creative and make something. I also enjoyed seeing something through to completetion, a skill I developed over the summer.

 

 

The next thing I did was to make a wreath for our door.I'd always admired them but didn't think they were worth the money that shops were charging for them. I had a vague idea of how to go about it; so I bought a wire ring and used some beads, ribbon and 'greenery' from the garden. And, if I say so myself it looks okay!

 

The next thing I have done is by presents for a child. My hubby's daughter gave birth earlier this year. So I have a grandson to buy for. When we asked what he wanted for Christmas, we were told that he wanted a light projector which projects lights on to the wall or a large play mat. Having trolled the internet, I have found both and purchased both. It was weird to buy gifts for a child as it's something I'd desperately wanted to to do in the past but never had anyone to buy for.

 

I also decided to tell my mum that we were having a grown up Chiristmas. Because she wanted Grandchildren she has bought me gifts which ar very childish in a way. But it's no fun being the 40year old child! So we're having a grown up Chirstmas!! Less is more!! And I'm calling the shots!

 

 

 

Happy Christmas!

 

 

 

 



 

 

Hi there,

Me again another year older and definitely another year wiser! I feel that I have definitely grown and matured in this first year of my FU forties!

Hubby and I went to the big smoke today, we often went into London after we got the results of our failed IVF attempts. But today, we chose to go to get a different scene and some much needed inspiration. I fancied looking at some photographs, professional ones. So I looked up photograph galleries and found one off Oxford Street. We went in and looked at the different exhibitions.

Ironically, their main exhibition was called ‘Home Truths about Motherhood’. There were a range of themes to the photos all from a range of artists. Some were quite graphic and shocking. Many involved nude pictures of mother and baby; some showing the scars of Cesarean sections or breast feeding. Another section tackled the role of the over 50 mother and how she tried to view herself as a sexual being and reclaim her identity now she was no longer ‘needed’ as much in her child’s life.

There was a huge image of a woman, a mother, who had been photographed, suspended from the ceiling of a lounge and through her legs (so that it she appeared to be trapped) was a dolls house. I found it annoying. For me it symbolised a lot of what I experience from many mothers. They act like martyrs and moan about not having a life because they are too busy with their children. This got me thinking about woman and how come a lot of women end up having kids but don’t have a sense of fulfilment.

In my work, as a primary school teacher, I come into contact with a lot of mothers: mothers of children that I teach as well as work colleagues. I do see a lot of doting mothers who ‘love’ their children to pieces, which is lovely. BUT, many of these women have happily given up their lives to be a mother and therefore put all their efforts into being everything to their child. However, I also see the other end those who couldn’t care less about their offspring. Send them into school without a bye or a care, clothes which haven’t been near a washing machine; children who can’t communicate without getting cross because that’s what they’ve experienced  at home.

It got me thinking. Why do women who clearly don’t like children have children? Surely, they would have been happier without these ‘burdens’? So why did they get pregnant and have a family?

After a lot of thinking I wondered if it came back to what I thought when I started to ponder my purpose. Do these women think that they will find meaning and purpose to their life once they become a mother? Or is it related to the fact that society expects woman to get married and then have children? Therefore these women have children because that’s what is expected of them rather because they consciously choose to have them. WHY? Why does this happen?

I think it’s because, despite the feminist movement and the birth of the contraceptive pill, society portrays the function and purpose of women is to procreate. Women ‘like the idea of becoming a mum’ but often the reality isn’t always the ‘strawberry and cream Cath Kidston world’ of their imagination.

 Again, I started to think, if this is true, then, “Are we doing our girls, our women, a disservice?” There are many ways to find one’s purpose and meaning and quite often it doesn’t come from having children. Why aren’t we educating our women? Why aren’t we asking our young girls to find out who they are, before they become someone else? (A wife, a mother.)

I guessing it has something to do with what I believe to be the main cause of society’s failure: ‘The breakdown of the family unit’. More and more children are growing up in a family which lacks a father and the influence of worldly wise grandparents. Girls are growing up and becoming women without a father and crave the balanced family unit which they themselves lacked. Boys also are growing up without the positive male role models.

May be we should do more? But what?

One section of the exhibition really ‘floored’ me. It was a photographic recount of a woman’s IVF journey. Hubby and I both choked back the tears as we walked along this woman’s too familiar journey. The photos were framed and displayed at heart level on a shelf and so you we able to literally walk the journey. Under the different sections were pages of a Filofax calendar with familiar markings of different dates which spanned across several years. On each photo the woman was pictured alone and the clear emotion which screamed out from the pictures was desolation. Other people at the exhibition saw the different images, but I guessing unless you have been through or connected to someone who has travelled through this path many of the images would be lost on the viewer. However, I hoped that the pictures would provoke a question about the process. It was good to see that it was represented as part of the motherhood home truths exhibition, as it did show a balanced representation.

So we found inspiration in a way. Well, it was more like we shared a bit of our pain in a way, as the exhibition struck a chord in both of us. However, we are both much more stronger because of the IVF and in spite of it and it was a shared experience which binds us together.

Another 30 days until my big review of the year…. Better look at what I was intending to do this year…

 

Well...it's almost twelve months since I started writing this blog. Next week I turn 41 and to be honest, 40 has been a bloody good year!

Don't get me wrong- it's not been perfect, but I feel like I'm worked my way through the sh*t and I'm being to emerge through the other side.

In the summer, I started reading a book called 'The dark side of the light chasers' by a lady called Debbie Ford. It was part of the healing process that happened over the summer months and I've picked it up again and the process is continuing!

One quote struck a chord with me: “There is nothing very enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you."

I feel that this had been the mantra of my life and without realising it; I had become so bloody good at it, that I had forgotten what was inside me. But over the last few months I have begun to blossom, to bloom, and to emerge. I truly feel like a butterfly who always believed that they were an ugly green caterpillar.

Whereas now, because I am finally beginning to feel comfy in my own skin, I feel like I am emerging out of my chrysalis and I'm becoming a beautiful butterfly!



I'm beginning to recognise that what I have been through and lived through, hasn't knocked me down, in fact, when I look at it I can use it to make me even stronger.

I was listening to Woman's Hour from Radio 4 on catch up today and they were talking to Lisa Jardine about IVF. There was another woman on there who was talking about her experiences and what she'd been through and how it had affected her. I can totally sympathise, she had been through 4 rounds, and much less invasion treatment than I had, but hard going none-the-less! She talked about how it affected her life. She had lost her business, affected her marriage and brought her to the brink of break down. I can believe it as the IVF roller coaster ride is definitely not for the faint hearted.

But, it got me thinking; I've turned out alright! I went through 6 rounds of IVF. The first being one where I donated half my eggs to a recipient. I still don't know if they were any good and resulted in children, I guess one day I will find out... Then I went through more and more rounds. Ones where we agreed to keep the embryos outside longer in order to establish the best- "going to Blastocyst". The last round that I did resulted in me having a soya infusion piped into to me via a drip. This treatment was so new that a new that a nurse came to my house for a couple of hours whilst she administered the drip and checked me so I didn't go into anaphylactic shock! We went through some tough times but in the end it always brought hubby and I closer together. I keep on going at school. Having very little time off at all! And bounced back and through myself into Christmas plays and other child orientated activities.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing about this is that I have finally come to the realisation that I'm actually made of tough stuff! Yes, I've been through the mill but I'm better for having been through it! In fact, I now realise that I should be drawing on the experience, and utilising the strength and making the best of myself.

I've been looking to move up in school, to get a promotion. But prior to this, I never felt worthy, good enough capable. Now just months on I feel so much more secure and confident. All I have to do now is find the right school.

Hello

Long time, no speak. It’s getting colder and moving into autumn one of my favourite times of year.

So, what have I been up to? Living! Yep! You heard me right!

This summer was so different to others I’ve had in the last few years. The weather was unusually un- British. There was 'wall to wall' sunshine. We decided not to go abroad, so I had a full six weeks at home.  

I discovered meditation. Wow- never realised how beneficial it would be. It helped me in so many ways. My whole demeanour was calmer. I feel more self-assured. I’m sleeping better. PMT  has reduced. Massive benefits!!

I de-cluttered the whole house and myself in the process. I decided that just because people had given me stuff: presents, cast offs or things they mistakenly thought that I would like, didn’t mean that I had to keep them. I could choose! I could decide, so I did! I chucked out stuff that I’d been holding on to for years, so long that I could remember why. I got rid of books that I’d never read (donations from my mum) or books that meant nothing to me any more (books linked to religious study). I de-cluttered the mug cupboard, saving only my favourite ones. It was empowering to think that what I kept was kept because I’d decided – ME! Not because I felt obliged.  Then I bought things for the house. Nothing big, for example I changed the shower curtain, bought a new bath mat bought a few towels. They all go together, not because they match (although they all have a navy theme) but because I chose them and put them together. I had control. I was exerting my choice, my ideas. I was chuffed to bits because for once in my life I was living in a place where I did what pleased me. Not in a selfish, self-centred way but in a “I have a VOICE” (The Queen’s speech film) kinda way.

I’ve met my tribe. 

I’ve been part of a community online for childless women called ‘Gateway Women’.

By being a member of this community and talking and sharing with other childless women from all walks of life, I feel less alone and in that, more myself. I’ve met up with women and even organised my own get together (something I could only imagined doing in wildest dreams in less than a year ago). As I’ve said the women I’ve met come from all walks of life. The first time I met up with them was really peculiar for me. Normally I’d be really worried about what to wear, what to say, what if I didn’t know what to do? What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them? blah, blah, blah!! But I wasn’t worried. For the first time in my life I didn’t need them to like me because I liked me. I didn’t need to impress, if they didn’t like me that was their choice, nothing I could do about it. But I wasn’t going to change so that they liked me. In fact I had a wonderful time. I met 3 women from  different walks of life and they treated me like a real fully fledged person (I think that it had much to do with me acting like a real  person!)

 

I’ve lost 10lbs and I’m determined to lose the rest to get into a smaller size pair jeans. I’m sticking with it- something I’ve never been able to do in the past.

I’ve signed up for a weekend photography course. Something I’ve always wanted to do but have never dared!

I feel like I’m finally finding out who I am – or living who I am, not who I think people want me to be!

I’m beginning to like the person that I am, not a little, but actually, quite a lot!!

Watch this space ….J

Since I last posted I have started doing yoga! Yep you heard right, YOGA! I saw an advert for a group that being running for years in my village! As Confucius says when student is ready the teacher appears.

 

I started at the beginning of July. I was hesitant, but made my way into the village hall with my loose clothing, large towel and bottle of water, as it stated I should do on the website. I was greeted with a warm hello and within minutes I was laid flat on a borrowed yoga mat.

The whole experience was to use a cliché ‘enlightening’. The people there just accepted me as I was, or maybe, I went in and was me, without any masks or disguise. I had a wonderful time and found and re-discovered muscles I haven’t thought about for the last 30 years! I surprised myself at how much I could do; spending my days on the floor teaching children had paid off it meant that I was very comfortable when sitting crossed legged on the floor; unlike some of the other member s of the group, who had been attending the group for a while.

The whole emphasis was about me working and pushing myself to my own potential. I wasn’t in competition with anyone. I was there to be the best that I could be.

I’ve continued to go and have reaped the benefits of better sleep and a more relaxed mood. This last week the yoga teacher asked us to do a hand stand. For the last few weeks we have been working on a shoulder stand and now he introduces the idea of a hand stand?!

 

 I haven’t done that since I was at primary school. Another woman who was an experience yoga practitioner has the same expression as me. She is the antithesis of me; she is tall, thin and experienced.  However, despite these factors she was just as incredulous as I was. She and I attempted the extended bunny hop type of move, but as the yoga teacher advanced towards her she said “I can’t do it!” he looked and then said “You can’t do it yet!” to which she laughed. He then went on to explain that the issue with a handstand was to do with fear not strength. The problem was allowing yourself to do a handstand rather than having the strength to get up there.

 This comment was yet again a revelation to me!!? No one in my childhood ever said to me “Arh you can’t do it ..yet!” implication: stick with it and you will!! SHIT!!!Why is it that I’ve got to the ripe old age of 40 and this is the first time I’ve heard this!??This resonated deep within me and I’ve continued to say it to myself as I’ve started to practice my yoga moves at home. It also made me think about how I tackle life and new experiences.

This afternoon, whilst practising my yoga I managed to do a shoulder stand without the support from the wall!! The hand stand is next!!!