I'm in a bit of a pickle! Nothing serious....or is it?! The more I think, the more I see, and yet, the more confused I become.


I've been trying to write a novel. I say trying, I have this plot whizzing round my head. It's based on my life, well sections. They say write about what you know about so I have this idea. My plot is based around a primary school teacher. A woman who wants to be a mother. She has a variety of reasons for wanting to be a mother, primarily to enjoy the security of the family life that she never experienced as a child. She also believes that she will become a fulfilled person, a grown up, by becoming a mother. She marries a man and they try to have a family but it's not as simple as they first thought. In a empathetic way, she donates her eggs believing that she could offer the hope that she herself believes is guaranteed. In pursuit of motherhood she examines herself and her childhood and who the person she has become against the person she 'should have become'. After years of IVF and a failed adoption application.She finally begins to face that her life as a mother is not meant to be. She throws herself into work. She supports a child in her class who appears to be going through a rough time at home. She builds up a bond with the child and can see herself in the child. They both like cats, singing and have a similar sense of humour. The teacher questions her professionalism but decides that she is only supporting the child. The child's family moves away and the teacher and pupil keep in touch through letters and Christmas cards. The woman realises that her pursuit of motherhood is a way to reclaim her childhood. She goes through therapy and realises that she has suppressed many aspects of her personality and longs to be the person she was meant to be. She confronts her past and manages to find her suppressed self. She finds the life that she was meant to have in a form which was very different from the one she expected. She also finds that the child she helped years before was actually her own daughter from the donated egg she gave and forgot about.

There's the rough plot. But how do I write it? It's not true but I'm writing from a stance where there is some truth in it.

My fear is that I'm writing it to give my own life a happy ending. The ending that I fear is never coming for me. 

What should I be doing with my life?

Been thinking a lot about the battle of the sexes after my latest interview.

In fact for the last 6 interviews the male candidate has always got the job.

In primary teaching, I understand the need to get more men into schools. Boys and girls are growing up without positive male role models. But unfortunately they aren't staying in the classroom and at grass root level they are being promoted into leadership positions. I'm not saying this is wrong- I just feel the foot print of the men as they clamber over the top of me into the leadership positions.

It's caused me to think about how men and women are perceived. What I mean is how men are instantly thought out as being strong and having leadership skills, whereas women are expected to be nurturing and empathetic.  But we're not all the same! So think about a strong woman, a woman with good leadership skills..... do we use those adjectives? Or do we use something else?

This got me thinking about how we nurture and develop children. As a primary school teacher I have first hand experience of children who are developing their personality. When I think of certain girls in my class they are good at organising themselves and others, good leadership skills one might say but often they are described by others, adults and children a like as 'bossy'.
You never hear of a boy being described of as bossy- why not?


We do expect, and attribute, certain behaviours to girls and boys and men and women. We condition children right from the word go!

 

 

 

 

So how do I get that job and not have those negative connotations attributed to me.

How do I become the BEST person for the job and outshine the men?

Not sure........yet!

"On the day, he just had something you didn't have!"

Hi, the title of this post sums up the conversation I had with the headteacher on the phone after my interview on Thursday!

 

 

 

The day had started well I had slept well the night before and hadn't woken to far ahead of my alarm which was set for 5.40am. I had got up eaten breakfast and was on the road by 6.40am. I'd driven my second routes choice as the A14 was choc-o-block even at that time in the morning. I arrived in good time and sat outside before going in. When I got in I was eventually shown to the 'holding room' where there was a man and a women already seated at the table.  A few minutes later a second man arrived. We did the necessary small talk and found out from where we had each travelled. Shortly afterwards the headteacher and two Governors appeared. We were introduced and the day started. My first task was in two parts:The first to look at some foundation stage data and analyse it and answer a list of questions related to it. (At first it was just a sea of numbers and I felt a panic rise in side me but I gulped it down and took my time to read the data and begin to process it.) The second part was to write down all the things I would do after a whole of incidents occurred. These are quite typical for these types of interviews. The types of incidents are along the line of:  the headteacher is in a meeting with ofsted, at 8:45am the Y6 says she's had a phone call from her husband and needs to see the headteacher, 8:46am a parent says that they have heard a child boasting in the playground that they are going to truant and has since left the school grounds, 8:47am a TA arrives late for 4th time that week etc. Basically it's the morning from hell and you have to write down what you would do, showing your ability to prioritise and delegate etc. We had a hour in which to complete both tasks and I manged to complete them within the time.

My next task was to 'have coffee in the staffroom' always an interesting one. Again though, having been on a few of these, I knew that talking to staff was the bit that if anyone was watching was the important bit. So I duly struck up a conversation with some TAs who were in there. In fact it was mostly TAs as the teachers were conspicuous by their absences. Straight after that I had to teach.

Usually for deputy post you need to demonstrate that you are an outstanding teacher by teaching a whole class. But this only required me to teach a group of 5 children. However, when I was setting up in the classroom a few children came flying into the classroom and laid on the floor, jumped on each other it was really bizarre. At first I wasn't sure whether this was part of the task, so I duly asked the children to sit up and attempted to engage them. However after a few minutes it was clear that I had a whole class descending on me not my little group of 5 children. Fortunately the headteacher appeared ( as the Governors just looked away as if to leave me to it!) and took out the 20 children who were not meant to be with me and I was left with 5. The lesson was okay. The children were fairly enthusiastic but not very well focused and found it extremely hard to stay on task. I had to work very hard to keep them with me. However we achieved what I had set out and I had stuck to my time and then it was over. All the way through the 3 observers didn't smile at all- it was most bizarre!

After this I had a bit of free time so I wandered a round the classrooms and it seemed like no one really wanted to have me in. Not a happy staff would be how I described the atmosphere.

Fortunately I got the first interview spot at 12:30 so before that we were treated to 'lunch' which was sandwiches and quiche.

At 12.30 the head teacher came into the room and told us that the afternoon was about to start and that after our interviews we were free to leave but they would let us know the result by 4pm.

I was shown into the headteacher's office and invited to sit down. There seemed to be loads of questions which I did my very best to answer to the best of my ability using the structure that I had worked out at the weekend. I felt confident and I answered in a non waffly way !!

So having jumped all the hurdles I got in my car and drove home. I got home at 2:45pm and waited for the telephone call. And waited and waited. 4 o'clock came and went. 5 o'clock came and went and went. 6pm came and went at 5 past 6 the phone rang "on this occasion you weren't  successful. You were a very strong candidate and we've been deliberating from just after 3pm and have only just made our decision. I know you will get a deputy position. Your interview was very good, your lesson was lovely, you did extremely well on the data task and gained a lot of information in such a short period of time and your references were very very good. There's nothing I can say that you need to do there is no reason why you can't get a deputy head position but on this occasion the candidate who got the job just had something extra on the day."

I asked who had got the job - one of the men! The one who came of the data task and said well I had no idea what that was about! Who also said that he didn't complete his lesson plan. I'm guessing he really did have something that I didn't have on the day, or any other day for that matter!

To feel that I must have caused a bit of a discussion is a positive! I must have done a bloody good job and for that I am pleased as that it what I set out to do!
I've just got to find a job where they don't need a man!!

My confidence is finally growing...

Hi all,
I've been out taming a few tigers. Working hard on doing those things which scare me and I can honesty say that my confidence is being to grow, finally.

One of my goals was to get a new job. (Don't get excited- I haven't manged it -YET!) I used the tools around me and spoke to a local headteacher. I've constantly challenged my rule book and I'm making progress.

 I went to visit a school, it was a larger school than I'm used to but it sounded like a good opportunity to see how I coped going and visiting and talking the the head. I was much more confident than I realised that I could be. I asked intelligent questions and pushed the headteacher on his vision and his theories. It turns out that it wasn't going to somewhere that I could really make a difference and he wasn't really the kind of head that I could have worked with. But I could see this for myself. Previously, I wouldn't even have visited the school because I wouldn't have deemed myself not good enough!! - where as it turned out that the school experience on offer, wouldn't have been good enough for me! Now that's progress!!

However, I have been and seen another school who have been through a bit of a rough patch. They have a new head and are looking for a new deputy. When I went to see the school, I could see the things that I could offer. I could see that I could make a positive contribution. The head seemed enthusiastic and switched on. So I have applied and have been asked to attend an interview.This week!

Yesterday as I was preparing for interview questions and answers, I had an Epiphany. Last summer my husband, who is a systems analyst by trade, explained the principles of systems and how systems can be applied to any walk of life; by thinking in this way you can devise a solution to any problem. At first it was just a jumble of words but then I began to understand it. I was able to see how 'input-process-output' could be applied to a range of situations. He also explained how to create a system and a process by starting at the output- what or where did we want to achieve or end up? By starting here you can then work back and devise a process for getting there.

 

 

Having read Jim's amazing tigers book and a another amazing book by Andrew Cope called 'Being Brilliant'.
Things have just fallen into place. I seem more sure of myself and more sure of what is important to me. Therefore when I was preparing for answer to interview questions I could use what my hubby had taught me. Previously I've told the interviewing panel EVERYTHING I know or have done- WAFFLE, WAFFLE, WAFFLE!! And to try and combat this I have tried to talk less and the feedback I received was- answers weren't full enough!! I thought that I could never win! But I get it now!! The penny has dropped!! This is very like when I was a teacher training college, all those years ago! When I answered questions on essays I told them everything I knew. In comparison to my friends I read a lot more and seemed to work much harder but they always got a much better result- I could never understand why. Until my final essay, when I got the best grade. It was a penny drop moment then too! I didn't have to tell them everything I had to structure it in such a way the communicated my point. Doh!! 
Structure! 
So what I'm saying is that I'm feeling confident because I now have a clear structure to structure my answers so I don't have to learn and remember everything verbatim.

Looking at the information I've been sent regarding the interview they just seem to be going through the process. They don't seem to be trying very hard to find the best person by putting us thorough our paces for example there is no presentation and only a small group teaching task. This might mean that they've already got someone ear marked for the job, again! However, I'm using this as an opportunity to test out my theory that I can answer questions using the structure and feel confident. I can only try my best and if this is the case it will be a warm up for the next interview. 

We'll just have to wait and see! Watch this space!



Hi Me again,

It's half term for me this week. I set myself the challenge of improving my maths. As a child I really struggled with maths. I found it difficult and struggled to learn at the pace of the class so inevitably I got left behind. At junior school my teacher, who I actually adored would practise recall of times tables by making everyone stand up and then he would walk around the room pointing with his ruler: "5 fives?" " 7 sixes?" this made me really nervous and played on my anxiety of standing up and having all eyes on me when the fateful questions was asked. If you got the questions wrong, you got to sit down and you didn't need to answer again. So my plan was to answer quickly so that I could appear to be trying my best, but then I could sit down and the pressure was off! As a teacher I recognise that this is not a very effective way of building the confidence of those who already lack confidence. It just makes those that are already confident more confident!!

So, having read Taming tigers - I acknowledged that one of my tigers was the fear of maths and my belief that I couldn't teach maths to Key Stage 2 children- (age 7+), I been working through a book written specifically for teachers to improve their maths so that they can teach maths effectively. I've realised that I actually understood  a lot more than I ever thought. MY problem wasn't that I couldn't, it was I wasn't very confident and wasn't very quick.  My husband has been helping me, he's a maths whizz, has replied each time to my " I can't do it!" with " YES you can! Try it!" and he's right- I can! I've learnt that just I lack confidence and speed. Also I don't want to write it down to help myself (I think that is another issue from school ) it feels as though if I write it down I am admitting I can't do it and I might lose face! Doh!!  Where as, when I jot it down , I'm fairly competent.

Rule #2 challenge the rule book!

My' rule book' says that I shouldn't write it down and look like an idiot! But I'm the idiot stopping myself doing things by adhering to these silly rules. All I need to do is practise in order to develop my confidence and speed.

Right, I've finished the book! What a fantastic read! Inspiring....and a little daunting to say the least but definitely exciting and daring!

For the past week I've been a little overawed by the goal for myself. I'm not wanting to become a jockey and ride in a televised race or become a deep sea diver and dive to a record depth! So I've been mulling it over and thinking about what I want.

What is my purpose? 

 

I've struggled to pin it down and then I realised that I don't need to have one forever goal I need to have a goal for now that I can work on and then once I've achieved that, I can identify another one which I can work on. 

 

So, my goal is to secure a Deputy Head Teacher ready for next September- This gives me 4 months as the deadline for handing in my notice is the 31st May.

 

 

 

 

 

Jim gives you seven steps to develop a plan

 

Step 1 Look out for what will bring you down

 

I know that in previous interview situations I have found the 'hanging around' an absolute killer. I find that it zaps my enthusiasm in such a way that I want to throw in the towel as I cannot stand the pressure. So one of my disciplines is to handle to stress of hanging around so I will be taking up meditating again which I benefited so much from over the summer but have let slip.  And I will look for situations where I have some hanging around so that I can practise- not sure what....any ideas?

 

Another issue is the time between the advert and the application. Often there isn't much turn around time to go and visit and write an application etc. So I know that I need to get certain things in place to support me. I also need to check for vacancies daily so that I don't lose valuable time but not being aware. I can do this by checking each day.

 

Something else that gets to me in the interview situation is the other candidates. In teaching unlike most other job situations you spend the whole day with your rivals often hidden away in a room together with no access to outside or anything else to do. I definitely need to come up with a plan to cope with this, as I hate this false situation where you try and make polite small talk or the heavy weights try and psych you out. I would just like to turn up do what's required and then go - and find out if I got the job or not. I guess the role is such a varied one that they are looking for someone who can cope with the pressure of the day as often days in school can be a bit like that with the varied roles of meeting people and parents etc. Food for thought... I should also ask and find out what others do in this situation to get themselves through. 

 

Step 2 - Use the rules of 'Taming Tigers' 

Well, these rules are becoming very much part of me- I nearly know them of by heart and all the time I'm looking for them.

 

Step 3- Write down your disciplines

Meditation- need to do it daily

RULE 7 Do something scary everyday- I can avoid scary situations but I need to get into the habit of doing and  not avoiding!

Write and follow my to do list so there is no conflicts of interest or time- it also means that I can be organised and in control.

Exercise daily- so that I help develop a healthy body and healthy mind.

Diarize my time so that I protect what I need to do and stay true to rule 3 head in the direction of where you want to arrive every day!

 

Step 4- Write down the 'WHY'

I want to work as a primary deputy in s school where I get to make a difference. I want to have the experience of being a primary deputy and be part of the decision making process so that I can have an impact and prove to myself and to others I can do it and do it well!

 

Step 5- Diarize everything and protect those diary entries

Meditation

Practise skills

Exercise

Support from others

 

Step 6 - Plan your BOLD ACTION

Strangely enough, a few weeks ago, before I read Taming Tigers, I took some BOLD ACTION. I asked a local Acting Headteacher to support me. She met with me and talked to me about what I should be doing. She asked me to see my last application and wanted to see how I tackled the person specification. I am meeting her this week and she will help me to improve my letter and sell myself so that when I apply for my next job I get to be their favourite. Big ask, tall order! whispers my tiger. However, I know that Rule 5 tells me that the tools for taming tigers are all around and that by asking for help I will gain.

 

 

I also know that I find the answering of questions tricky- I either waffle on and neglect to answer the question or  (usually as a result of listening to my tiger in the hanging around bit) I answer the question in a quick way as my aim is to get out of the situation and feel better! Not the most intelligent ways to get a job.  So  I need to find a way of answering questions so that I know what I'm answering and so that I am ignoring the tiger in the form of the Saboteur who is striking in the interview right at the point of being asked a question. 

 

Rule 3 says to 'head in the direction of where you want to be' - with this I have a new focus for my current role. Whatever I do from now on I will ask myself 'How will this help me to secure a job?' What experience am I gaining from this which I can use?

 

Rule 7 says to do something scary everyday. I know that this is a vital rule for me! Over the past few days I've been searching out opportunities to make my tiger roar and crank up the 'voice of the headteacher'. Jim Lawless talks about the voices in your head having two different personalities The first being the Headmaster who strikes at the point when you are considering things and the second is the saboteur who strikes when yoou are actually doing something. I've always had these voices who shout and scream things such as: "how dare you try and think you good enough to try this?!" or "But what if they all laugh at you?!" or " They all think you aren't up to it- you're not are you?!" Jim says that they do this to keep you safe but they also stop you from growing- TOO BLOODY TRUE!! I am not where I should be because instead of standing up to these fears and handling the discomfort I have given in and therefore I am at the tender age of 41 just beginning to grow- the growth that others do in their 20's!! My only solace is that according to Jim, some never wake up and tame the Tiger at 21, 41 or 61- NEVER!  Better late than NEVER!!

 

So watch out Tiger I'm a coming to get you!

 



Hello,
A whole month into the new year and if I'm honest it's been a bit wobbly!

I feel like I've lost the drive that I had in the run up to Christmas. Things have slowed and I have been in contemplation mode.

I think that I have taken my foot of the pedal and have lost  bit of the momentum which I had previously built up.

However, I came across a book which I read about on a blog by a deputy head.

The book was called 'Taming Tigers' by Jim Lawless. It has ten rules to live by and it id described as Richard Dunwoody (horse racing) the antidote to self help books.
I was intrigued! I duly ordered it on Amazon and it arrived about a week ago.

It's just what I needed! A proverbial kick up the bum!
I haven't finished reading it but it is a provoking read!

Here are the ten rules:
1. Act boldly today- time is limited
2. Rewrite the rule book- challenge it hourly
3. Head in the direction of where you want to arrive, every day
4.It's all in the mind
5. The tools for taming tigers are all around you
6. There is no safety in numbers
7.Do something scary everyday
8.Understand and control your time to create change
9. Create disciplines- do the basics brilliantly
10. Never, never give up! 

It's an interesting and challenging read. I am keen to learn and follow the rules but I have a very familiar tiger who roars loudly and is used to me backing down immediately as soon as it raises its head.
I love cats; in fact I love big cats including tigers. I need to tame the one who dwells within me and challenge it daily.
I aim to write about the process once I have completed the book......watch this space!