Advice to my 14 year old self

Hi me again, long time no speak things have been a bit manic, as usual  :-)

Have been thinking lately about life and where it's going....no answers there just more questions really.

 

One thing though is that I wish I could go back and try again knowing what I know now... but it's best not to regret as it gets us no where. So instead I thought I'd imagine that I could give myself some advice that is a positive spin on the past and something I can continue to take with me into the future.

 

So here goes...

 

Advice to my 14 year old self:

Dear 14 year old ME,

You'll do it, you'll get to college! You'll get through it and do it!
You are so much better than you think.

Your mum will be okay- you don't need to worry. Forget your dad, he's not worth it- but YOU are!

You'll met a guy and he'll become everything to you; he'll give you the stability you so desperately need now but it won't last for ever, nor should it.

 

Learn from the lessons, it will hold you in good stead.

You'll love being a teacher and you'll meet your future husband.

You'll never believe what you'll do! YOU that are so scared of you own shadow!

It'll be tough but you'll have the relationship you always wanted.

You'll be loved like you've never been loved. You'll finally know what it's like to be loved just because you're you.

They'll be tough times ahead but, as you've always known, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!!

You'll learn that your purpose in the world is not to have children... it'll be hard at first but it will be the making of you- honest!
You'll work through it and the world will become your oyster.

You are good enough!!- and always have been! NEVER forget this!

 

lots of love Me xx

Been thinking a lot about life, the universe and everything!

The main thrust of my coming to terms with my childlessness is to do with what my purpose is?- who am I?

The childless nature of my life, I think, has made me face this existential question earlier than most women- but I would have always asked it of myself. I'm just asking myself earlier because I'm not caught up with being a mum and I'm having to face it now.

Coming to terms with not having children, not being a mother, is definitely a grieving process.

When I think back to the morning of my last pregnancy test- the shock of a negative result was a definite denial.the classic first stage of grief.
" It couldn't be- we had had forked out thousands of pounds for blood tests which were were sent to one little clinic in Chicago."
" I'd been pumped up with soya protein. My embryos had gone to blastocyst."
Everything was as it should be! It had to be positive.!!.....but it wasn't.

I remember the dawning of the reality. It was very strange.

 In one way it was dark and black and foreboding but in a different light I could breathe a light, feathery breath of relief. There was a much needed sense of certainty which had been missing through the endless IVF cycles. I felt a relief that I finally knew that it was certain that I was never going to have a child of my own. But then the dark feelings came and filled the void.
"What was going to become of me? " The fear builds within me
"When I die who would bury me?"
I have very few close friends- all I could see was that I would die alone in my own house surrounded by my cats- in fact they would eat me...... a gruesome and terrifying thought but a real fear non-the-less. 

I'm happy to say that this thought doesn't occupy my thoughts as often as it did in the early days - it's not gone but it's not at the for front of my mind. 

I also remember the anger at every pregnant woman that I saw, particularly those who we're smoking or drinking or surrounded by a brood of kids and complaining about being pregnant.
I remember being angry at my own body for not doing what it was supposed to- for making me feel like an 'un-woman'.
I was angry at myself for not trying sooner.
I was angry at myself for being so careful in my teenage years.
I was angry!

But that is no longer with me as much. The anger has subsided.

I can now cope being around babies and pregnant women. I no longer run away scared to face them in fear of what I might do, say or how I might behave.(I was often fearful of what irrational thoughts might push me into doing)

I'm moving on. I never thought that would happen. I feared that I would always be stuck with in grief of an invisible loss.

This healing started when I found other women who were going through the same feelings.

Before meeting like minded women I spoke to family and friends- like you do, when you are grieving. And,they would try to offer support. But unlike when you have lost someone you loved when you are grieving due to infertility people, well- meaning people, try to fix or cheer you up.

You would never suggest to anyone whose family member had just died that they should check it out by placing a mirror on their late relative in case you could see their breath. You would never suggest that they aren't dead and that something else could be done. You would never (at least I hope not) suggest that they would be resurrected like Lazarus- BUT when people are grieving the loss of not having children, that's exactly what happens. The well meaning people try to get you to see the positives and hear the miracle baby stories! DON'T- we need to grieve! We need to feel our pain and not hide it away.

So, in case anyone might read this and know someone who is going through and coming to terms with  not having children.
Here are a few suggestions:

• Talk to your Friend/family member BUT more importantly listen! Let them tell you about the hurt and the pain.
• Resist the temptation to try and say something to make it feel better! You can't make them feel better! FACT!! But they may feel better for talking and you listening.
• Don't try to change the subject! This makes them feel ashamed of their feelings.
• Allow them to have their feelings- Yes they may feel like they hate all pregnant women that's quite normal for a childless woman - let them be normal!! It helps, honest. And doesn't mean they are going mad and will do anything stupid!
• Don't recount miracle baby stories- it doesn't help.
• Don't think that adoption is an alternative- it's not- That's another blog entry!!
• Agree that life is unfair-but remind them that you are here for them through their bad times.
• Hug them- Be there! Sometimes being there and not talking helps.

If you have an additional suggestions please tell me. Or if you have any questions about what to say please share- that way we can all help each other.

Hi me again

Been on school holidays this week and have attempted to learn 'Twitter'. As a 40+  childless woman I don't have a teenager in my household who can expose me to the latest technologies. (I know that twitter is not the latest technology- and facebook is so middle-aged!) But I thought I'd give it a go. So far I have managed to work out how to: follow, tweet, reply, favourite and retweet. It's been an education. However, it means that I have read a lot of things which I wouldn't have normally come across. I can spend hours on the net reading; mainly things to with school and childlessness. But I've managed to read things to do with child development, leadership, women's projects, research all sorts!! One article caught my eye yesterday, something which is very dear to my heart, Confidence; more specifically 'The Confidence Gap'- the difference in confidence between men and women.

It seems that I'm acting just like a woman when I doubt my abilities. Research shows that competence and confidence are equally as important! And all those things I learnt at school haven't helped at all!!Apparently feeling like an imposter is quite a typical emotion for women to feel. Other women also believe that things are just easy for everyone else, unlike me!
According to this paper, Women don't consider themselves ready for promotions and underestimate their abilities. Sound familiar? Too much so!
A growing body of evidence shows just how devastating this lack of confidence can be. Success, it turns out, correlates just as closely with confidence as it does with competence. No wonder that women, despite all our progress, are still woefully underrepresented at the highest levels. Now that's the BAD NEWS. The GOOD NEWS is that confidence can be acquired and developed therefore the confidence gap can be closed! YEE-HA!!

Perfectionism is a woman's confidence killer. Study after study confirms that it is largely a female issue, one that extends through women’s entire lives. We don’t answer questions until we are totally sure of the answer, we don't apply for the job until we are 100% sure we can do everything on the job description and we fixate on our performances home, school, where ever!

So where does this all start? Childhood I'm guessing- thinking back to my previous blog post about my interviews and how I always seem to miss out to the man; and how little girls are described as bossy not having good leadership skills. Nurtured. But what about nature?

I recently attended a training course on 'How to raise the achievement of boys in school' by a very interesting bloke called Trevor Hawes. In primary school (and secondary for that matter) there is a massive gap between the boys and girls achievements. Girls are out-striping the boys and as a primary school teacher, my role is to close the gap. But having read about, and thinking about, the underachievement of women isn't it what we are doing to girls that needs addressing? On average, the the boys seem to be doing pretty well in the big wide world, in spite of their school experience unlike the girls.
It’s easier for young girls than for young boys to behave: As is well established, they start elementary school with a developmental edge in some key areas. They have longer attention spans, more-advanced verbal and fine-motor skills, and greater social adeptness. They generally don’t charge through the halls like wild animals, or get into fights during recess. Soon they learn that they are most valuable, and most in favour, when they do things the right way: neatly and quietly. “Girls seem to be more easily socialised,” Carol Dweck, a Stanford psychology professor and the author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success  says. “They get a lot of praise for being perfect.” In turn, they begin to crave the approval they get for being good. There’s certainly no harm intended by overworked, overstressed teachers (or parents). Who doesn’t want a kid who works hard and doesn’t cause a lot of trouble?
Dweck, states: “If life were one long grade school, women would be the undisputed rulers of the world.”
As part of the course I learnt about how the male and female brains function differently. Male and female brains do display differences in structure and chemistry, differences that may encourage unique patterns of thinking and behaviour, and that could thereby affect confidence. This is a busy area of enquiry, with a steady stream of new—if frequently contradictory, and controversial—findings. Some of the research raises the intriguing possibility that brain structure could figure into variations between the way men and women respond to challenging or threatening circumstances.

There is also something to do with hormones- I definitely can relate to that one! Sometimes my confidence is high where as others, it's so low it's positively invisible and that I can relay to the place in my cycle.
Many psychologists now believe that risk taking, failure, and perseverance are essential to confidence-building.

Boys tend to absorb more scolding and punishment, and in the process, they learn to take failure in stride. “When we observed in grade school classrooms, we saw that boys got eight times more criticism than girls for their conduct,” Dweck writes in Mindset. Dweck explains that girls and boys get different patterns of feedback. “Boys’ mistakes are attributed to a lack of effort,” she says, while “girls come to see mistakes as a reflection of their deeper qualities.” Boys also benefit from the lessons they learn—or, more to the point, the lessons they teach one another—during playtime and after school. From kindergarten on, they roughhouse, tease one another, point out one another’s limitations, and call one another morons and slobs. In the process, Dweck contends, such evaluations “lose a lot of their power.” Girls don't play like this, girls aren't encouraged to act like this. Teachers, parents, wrongly in my opinion, want an easy life, and therefore are grateful for the girls who are keen to please and don't 'mess around' and praise them for being so!!
The boys' rough and tumble, teasing, playground  behaviour therefore makes them more resilient. This can be attributed to the sports they play too. Through sport they can relish the wins and flick off the losses consequently giving them the experience of life's ups and downs.

I never played team sports at school. Typically, I didn't consider myself good enough, despite being asked to play for a hockey match. I hated PE mostly because I found that I really struggled to do what was asked of me. My teachers weren't really interested in developing my skills; they were more bothered about the girls who had excellent hand eye co-ordination and showed potential. I gave up as I could see that I was never going to be that good. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, girls are still six times as likely as boys to drop off sports teams, with the steepest decline in participation coming during adolescence. This is probably because girls suffer a larger decrease in self-esteem during that time than do boys.There’s even a direct link between playing sports in high school and earning a bigger salary as an adult. Learning to own victory and survive defeat in sports is apparently good training for owning triumphs and surviving setbacks at work. Girls lose confidence, so they quit competing in sports, thereby depriving themselves of one of the best ways to regain it. 

Women suffer consequences for their lack of confidence—but when they do behave assertively, they may suffer a whole other set of consequences, ones that men don’t typically experience. If a woman speaks up first at meetings, she risks being disliked or even—let’s be blunt—being labelled a bitch.

So what's a woman to do?

Confidence is not, as we once believed, just feeling good about yourself. The clearest, and most useful, definition of confidence could be the one supplied by Richard Petty, a psychology professor at Ohio State University, who has spent decades focused on the subject. “Confidence,” he states, “is the stuff that turns thoughts into action.” Of course, other factors also contribute to action. “If the action involves something scary, then what we call courage might also be needed,” Petty explains. “Or if it’s difficult, a strong will to persist might also be needed. Anger, intelligence, creativity can play a role.” But confidence, he says is essential, because it applies in more situations than these other traits do. It is the factor that turns thoughts into judgements about what we are capable of, and that then transforms those judgements into action.
The simplicity is compelling, and the notion that confidence and action are interrelated suggests a virtuous circle.

"Confidence is a belief in one’s ability to succeed, a belief that stimulates action."

 In turn, taking action bolsters one’s belief in one’s ability to succeed. So confidence accumulates—through hard work, through success, and even through failure.

The natural result of low confidence is inaction. When women hesitate because we aren’t sure, we hold ourselves back. But when we do act, even if it’s because we’re forced to, we perform just as well as men do.

To become more confident, women need to stop thinking so much and just act. 

I know this to be true and I can bear witness to this. I need to stop thinking and do! 

I'm in a bit of a pickle! Nothing serious....or is it?! The more I think, the more I see, and yet, the more confused I become.


I've been trying to write a novel. I say trying, I have this plot whizzing round my head. It's based on my life, well sections. They say write about what you know about so I have this idea. My plot is based around a primary school teacher. A woman who wants to be a mother. She has a variety of reasons for wanting to be a mother, primarily to enjoy the security of the family life that she never experienced as a child. She also believes that she will become a fulfilled person, a grown up, by becoming a mother. She marries a man and they try to have a family but it's not as simple as they first thought. In a empathetic way, she donates her eggs believing that she could offer the hope that she herself believes is guaranteed. In pursuit of motherhood she examines herself and her childhood and who the person she has become against the person she 'should have become'. After years of IVF and a failed adoption application.She finally begins to face that her life as a mother is not meant to be. She throws herself into work. She supports a child in her class who appears to be going through a rough time at home. She builds up a bond with the child and can see herself in the child. They both like cats, singing and have a similar sense of humour. The teacher questions her professionalism but decides that she is only supporting the child. The child's family moves away and the teacher and pupil keep in touch through letters and Christmas cards. The woman realises that her pursuit of motherhood is a way to reclaim her childhood. She goes through therapy and realises that she has suppressed many aspects of her personality and longs to be the person she was meant to be. She confronts her past and manages to find her suppressed self. She finds the life that she was meant to have in a form which was very different from the one she expected. She also finds that the child she helped years before was actually her own daughter from the donated egg she gave and forgot about.

There's the rough plot. But how do I write it? It's not true but I'm writing from a stance where there is some truth in it.

My fear is that I'm writing it to give my own life a happy ending. The ending that I fear is never coming for me. 

What should I be doing with my life?

Been thinking a lot about the battle of the sexes after my latest interview.

In fact for the last 6 interviews the male candidate has always got the job.

In primary teaching, I understand the need to get more men into schools. Boys and girls are growing up without positive male role models. But unfortunately they aren't staying in the classroom and at grass root level they are being promoted into leadership positions. I'm not saying this is wrong- I just feel the foot print of the men as they clamber over the top of me into the leadership positions.

It's caused me to think about how men and women are perceived. What I mean is how men are instantly thought out as being strong and having leadership skills, whereas women are expected to be nurturing and empathetic.  But we're not all the same! So think about a strong woman, a woman with good leadership skills..... do we use those adjectives? Or do we use something else?

This got me thinking about how we nurture and develop children. As a primary school teacher I have first hand experience of children who are developing their personality. When I think of certain girls in my class they are good at organising themselves and others, good leadership skills one might say but often they are described by others, adults and children a like as 'bossy'.
You never hear of a boy being described of as bossy- why not?


We do expect, and attribute, certain behaviours to girls and boys and men and women. We condition children right from the word go!

 

 

 

 

So how do I get that job and not have those negative connotations attributed to me.

How do I become the BEST person for the job and outshine the men?

Not sure........yet!

"On the day, he just had something you didn't have!"

Hi, the title of this post sums up the conversation I had with the headteacher on the phone after my interview on Thursday!

 

 

 

The day had started well I had slept well the night before and hadn't woken to far ahead of my alarm which was set for 5.40am. I had got up eaten breakfast and was on the road by 6.40am. I'd driven my second routes choice as the A14 was choc-o-block even at that time in the morning. I arrived in good time and sat outside before going in. When I got in I was eventually shown to the 'holding room' where there was a man and a women already seated at the table.  A few minutes later a second man arrived. We did the necessary small talk and found out from where we had each travelled. Shortly afterwards the headteacher and two Governors appeared. We were introduced and the day started. My first task was in two parts:The first to look at some foundation stage data and analyse it and answer a list of questions related to it. (At first it was just a sea of numbers and I felt a panic rise in side me but I gulped it down and took my time to read the data and begin to process it.) The second part was to write down all the things I would do after a whole of incidents occurred. These are quite typical for these types of interviews. The types of incidents are along the line of:  the headteacher is in a meeting with ofsted, at 8:45am the Y6 says she's had a phone call from her husband and needs to see the headteacher, 8:46am a parent says that they have heard a child boasting in the playground that they are going to truant and has since left the school grounds, 8:47am a TA arrives late for 4th time that week etc. Basically it's the morning from hell and you have to write down what you would do, showing your ability to prioritise and delegate etc. We had a hour in which to complete both tasks and I manged to complete them within the time.

My next task was to 'have coffee in the staffroom' always an interesting one. Again though, having been on a few of these, I knew that talking to staff was the bit that if anyone was watching was the important bit. So I duly struck up a conversation with some TAs who were in there. In fact it was mostly TAs as the teachers were conspicuous by their absences. Straight after that I had to teach.

Usually for deputy post you need to demonstrate that you are an outstanding teacher by teaching a whole class. But this only required me to teach a group of 5 children. However, when I was setting up in the classroom a few children came flying into the classroom and laid on the floor, jumped on each other it was really bizarre. At first I wasn't sure whether this was part of the task, so I duly asked the children to sit up and attempted to engage them. However after a few minutes it was clear that I had a whole class descending on me not my little group of 5 children. Fortunately the headteacher appeared ( as the Governors just looked away as if to leave me to it!) and took out the 20 children who were not meant to be with me and I was left with 5. The lesson was okay. The children were fairly enthusiastic but not very well focused and found it extremely hard to stay on task. I had to work very hard to keep them with me. However we achieved what I had set out and I had stuck to my time and then it was over. All the way through the 3 observers didn't smile at all- it was most bizarre!

After this I had a bit of free time so I wandered a round the classrooms and it seemed like no one really wanted to have me in. Not a happy staff would be how I described the atmosphere.

Fortunately I got the first interview spot at 12:30 so before that we were treated to 'lunch' which was sandwiches and quiche.

At 12.30 the head teacher came into the room and told us that the afternoon was about to start and that after our interviews we were free to leave but they would let us know the result by 4pm.

I was shown into the headteacher's office and invited to sit down. There seemed to be loads of questions which I did my very best to answer to the best of my ability using the structure that I had worked out at the weekend. I felt confident and I answered in a non waffly way !!

So having jumped all the hurdles I got in my car and drove home. I got home at 2:45pm and waited for the telephone call. And waited and waited. 4 o'clock came and went. 5 o'clock came and went and went. 6pm came and went at 5 past 6 the phone rang "on this occasion you weren't  successful. You were a very strong candidate and we've been deliberating from just after 3pm and have only just made our decision. I know you will get a deputy position. Your interview was very good, your lesson was lovely, you did extremely well on the data task and gained a lot of information in such a short period of time and your references were very very good. There's nothing I can say that you need to do there is no reason why you can't get a deputy head position but on this occasion the candidate who got the job just had something extra on the day."

I asked who had got the job - one of the men! The one who came of the data task and said well I had no idea what that was about! Who also said that he didn't complete his lesson plan. I'm guessing he really did have something that I didn't have on the day, or any other day for that matter!

To feel that I must have caused a bit of a discussion is a positive! I must have done a bloody good job and for that I am pleased as that it what I set out to do!
I've just got to find a job where they don't need a man!!

My confidence is finally growing...

Hi all,
I've been out taming a few tigers. Working hard on doing those things which scare me and I can honesty say that my confidence is being to grow, finally.

One of my goals was to get a new job. (Don't get excited- I haven't manged it -YET!) I used the tools around me and spoke to a local headteacher. I've constantly challenged my rule book and I'm making progress.

 I went to visit a school, it was a larger school than I'm used to but it sounded like a good opportunity to see how I coped going and visiting and talking the the head. I was much more confident than I realised that I could be. I asked intelligent questions and pushed the headteacher on his vision and his theories. It turns out that it wasn't going to somewhere that I could really make a difference and he wasn't really the kind of head that I could have worked with. But I could see this for myself. Previously, I wouldn't even have visited the school because I wouldn't have deemed myself not good enough!! - where as it turned out that the school experience on offer, wouldn't have been good enough for me! Now that's progress!!

However, I have been and seen another school who have been through a bit of a rough patch. They have a new head and are looking for a new deputy. When I went to see the school, I could see the things that I could offer. I could see that I could make a positive contribution. The head seemed enthusiastic and switched on. So I have applied and have been asked to attend an interview.This week!

Yesterday as I was preparing for interview questions and answers, I had an Epiphany. Last summer my husband, who is a systems analyst by trade, explained the principles of systems and how systems can be applied to any walk of life; by thinking in this way you can devise a solution to any problem. At first it was just a jumble of words but then I began to understand it. I was able to see how 'input-process-output' could be applied to a range of situations. He also explained how to create a system and a process by starting at the output- what or where did we want to achieve or end up? By starting here you can then work back and devise a process for getting there.

 

 

Having read Jim's amazing tigers book and a another amazing book by Andrew Cope called 'Being Brilliant'.
Things have just fallen into place. I seem more sure of myself and more sure of what is important to me. Therefore when I was preparing for answer to interview questions I could use what my hubby had taught me. Previously I've told the interviewing panel EVERYTHING I know or have done- WAFFLE, WAFFLE, WAFFLE!! And to try and combat this I have tried to talk less and the feedback I received was- answers weren't full enough!! I thought that I could never win! But I get it now!! The penny has dropped!! This is very like when I was a teacher training college, all those years ago! When I answered questions on essays I told them everything I knew. In comparison to my friends I read a lot more and seemed to work much harder but they always got a much better result- I could never understand why. Until my final essay, when I got the best grade. It was a penny drop moment then too! I didn't have to tell them everything I had to structure it in such a way the communicated my point. Doh!! 
Structure! 
So what I'm saying is that I'm feeling confident because I now have a clear structure to structure my answers so I don't have to learn and remember everything verbatim.

Looking at the information I've been sent regarding the interview they just seem to be going through the process. They don't seem to be trying very hard to find the best person by putting us thorough our paces for example there is no presentation and only a small group teaching task. This might mean that they've already got someone ear marked for the job, again! However, I'm using this as an opportunity to test out my theory that I can answer questions using the structure and feel confident. I can only try my best and if this is the case it will be a warm up for the next interview. 

We'll just have to wait and see! Watch this space!