Hi Me again,

It's half term for me this week. I set myself the challenge of improving my maths. As a child I really struggled with maths. I found it difficult and struggled to learn at the pace of the class so inevitably I got left behind. At junior school my teacher, who I actually adored would practise recall of times tables by making everyone stand up and then he would walk around the room pointing with his ruler: "5 fives?" " 7 sixes?" this made me really nervous and played on my anxiety of standing up and having all eyes on me when the fateful questions was asked. If you got the questions wrong, you got to sit down and you didn't need to answer again. So my plan was to answer quickly so that I could appear to be trying my best, but then I could sit down and the pressure was off! As a teacher I recognise that this is not a very effective way of building the confidence of those who already lack confidence. It just makes those that are already confident more confident!!

So, having read Taming tigers - I acknowledged that one of my tigers was the fear of maths and my belief that I couldn't teach maths to Key Stage 2 children- (age 7+), I been working through a book written specifically for teachers to improve their maths so that they can teach maths effectively. I've realised that I actually understood  a lot more than I ever thought. MY problem wasn't that I couldn't, it was I wasn't very confident and wasn't very quick.  My husband has been helping me, he's a maths whizz, has replied each time to my " I can't do it!" with " YES you can! Try it!" and he's right- I can! I've learnt that just I lack confidence and speed. Also I don't want to write it down to help myself (I think that is another issue from school ) it feels as though if I write it down I am admitting I can't do it and I might lose face! Doh!!  Where as, when I jot it down , I'm fairly competent.

Rule #2 challenge the rule book!

My' rule book' says that I shouldn't write it down and look like an idiot! But I'm the idiot stopping myself doing things by adhering to these silly rules. All I need to do is practise in order to develop my confidence and speed.

Right, I've finished the book! What a fantastic read! Inspiring....and a little daunting to say the least but definitely exciting and daring!

For the past week I've been a little overawed by the goal for myself. I'm not wanting to become a jockey and ride in a televised race or become a deep sea diver and dive to a record depth! So I've been mulling it over and thinking about what I want.

What is my purpose? 

 

I've struggled to pin it down and then I realised that I don't need to have one forever goal I need to have a goal for now that I can work on and then once I've achieved that, I can identify another one which I can work on. 

 

So, my goal is to secure a Deputy Head Teacher ready for next September- This gives me 4 months as the deadline for handing in my notice is the 31st May.

 

 

 

 

 

Jim gives you seven steps to develop a plan

 

Step 1 Look out for what will bring you down

 

I know that in previous interview situations I have found the 'hanging around' an absolute killer. I find that it zaps my enthusiasm in such a way that I want to throw in the towel as I cannot stand the pressure. So one of my disciplines is to handle to stress of hanging around so I will be taking up meditating again which I benefited so much from over the summer but have let slip.  And I will look for situations where I have some hanging around so that I can practise- not sure what....any ideas?

 

Another issue is the time between the advert and the application. Often there isn't much turn around time to go and visit and write an application etc. So I know that I need to get certain things in place to support me. I also need to check for vacancies daily so that I don't lose valuable time but not being aware. I can do this by checking each day.

 

Something else that gets to me in the interview situation is the other candidates. In teaching unlike most other job situations you spend the whole day with your rivals often hidden away in a room together with no access to outside or anything else to do. I definitely need to come up with a plan to cope with this, as I hate this false situation where you try and make polite small talk or the heavy weights try and psych you out. I would just like to turn up do what's required and then go - and find out if I got the job or not. I guess the role is such a varied one that they are looking for someone who can cope with the pressure of the day as often days in school can be a bit like that with the varied roles of meeting people and parents etc. Food for thought... I should also ask and find out what others do in this situation to get themselves through. 

 

Step 2 - Use the rules of 'Taming Tigers' 

Well, these rules are becoming very much part of me- I nearly know them of by heart and all the time I'm looking for them.

 

Step 3- Write down your disciplines

Meditation- need to do it daily

RULE 7 Do something scary everyday- I can avoid scary situations but I need to get into the habit of doing and  not avoiding!

Write and follow my to do list so there is no conflicts of interest or time- it also means that I can be organised and in control.

Exercise daily- so that I help develop a healthy body and healthy mind.

Diarize my time so that I protect what I need to do and stay true to rule 3 head in the direction of where you want to arrive every day!

 

Step 4- Write down the 'WHY'

I want to work as a primary deputy in s school where I get to make a difference. I want to have the experience of being a primary deputy and be part of the decision making process so that I can have an impact and prove to myself and to others I can do it and do it well!

 

Step 5- Diarize everything and protect those diary entries

Meditation

Practise skills

Exercise

Support from others

 

Step 6 - Plan your BOLD ACTION

Strangely enough, a few weeks ago, before I read Taming Tigers, I took some BOLD ACTION. I asked a local Acting Headteacher to support me. She met with me and talked to me about what I should be doing. She asked me to see my last application and wanted to see how I tackled the person specification. I am meeting her this week and she will help me to improve my letter and sell myself so that when I apply for my next job I get to be their favourite. Big ask, tall order! whispers my tiger. However, I know that Rule 5 tells me that the tools for taming tigers are all around and that by asking for help I will gain.

 

 

I also know that I find the answering of questions tricky- I either waffle on and neglect to answer the question or  (usually as a result of listening to my tiger in the hanging around bit) I answer the question in a quick way as my aim is to get out of the situation and feel better! Not the most intelligent ways to get a job.  So  I need to find a way of answering questions so that I know what I'm answering and so that I am ignoring the tiger in the form of the Saboteur who is striking in the interview right at the point of being asked a question. 

 

Rule 3 says to 'head in the direction of where you want to be' - with this I have a new focus for my current role. Whatever I do from now on I will ask myself 'How will this help me to secure a job?' What experience am I gaining from this which I can use?

 

Rule 7 says to do something scary everyday. I know that this is a vital rule for me! Over the past few days I've been searching out opportunities to make my tiger roar and crank up the 'voice of the headteacher'. Jim Lawless talks about the voices in your head having two different personalities The first being the Headmaster who strikes at the point when you are considering things and the second is the saboteur who strikes when yoou are actually doing something. I've always had these voices who shout and scream things such as: "how dare you try and think you good enough to try this?!" or "But what if they all laugh at you?!" or " They all think you aren't up to it- you're not are you?!" Jim says that they do this to keep you safe but they also stop you from growing- TOO BLOODY TRUE!! I am not where I should be because instead of standing up to these fears and handling the discomfort I have given in and therefore I am at the tender age of 41 just beginning to grow- the growth that others do in their 20's!! My only solace is that according to Jim, some never wake up and tame the Tiger at 21, 41 or 61- NEVER!  Better late than NEVER!!

 

So watch out Tiger I'm a coming to get you!

 



Hello,
A whole month into the new year and if I'm honest it's been a bit wobbly!

I feel like I've lost the drive that I had in the run up to Christmas. Things have slowed and I have been in contemplation mode.

I think that I have taken my foot of the pedal and have lost  bit of the momentum which I had previously built up.

However, I came across a book which I read about on a blog by a deputy head.

The book was called 'Taming Tigers' by Jim Lawless. It has ten rules to live by and it id described as Richard Dunwoody (horse racing) the antidote to self help books.
I was intrigued! I duly ordered it on Amazon and it arrived about a week ago.

It's just what I needed! A proverbial kick up the bum!
I haven't finished reading it but it is a provoking read!

Here are the ten rules:
1. Act boldly today- time is limited
2. Rewrite the rule book- challenge it hourly
3. Head in the direction of where you want to arrive, every day
4.It's all in the mind
5. The tools for taming tigers are all around you
6. There is no safety in numbers
7.Do something scary everyday
8.Understand and control your time to create change
9. Create disciplines- do the basics brilliantly
10. Never, never give up! 

It's an interesting and challenging read. I am keen to learn and follow the rules but I have a very familiar tiger who roars loudly and is used to me backing down immediately as soon as it raises its head.
I love cats; in fact I love big cats including tigers. I need to tame the one who dwells within me and challenge it daily.
I aim to write about the process once I have completed the book......watch this space!

Last post of 2013
Well.....I'm here, as promised. On the eve of 2014 to review my year.

What have I done? What have I achieved? What have I learned? Where am I now?

All good questions- some of which I have answers to, others it's 'still work in progress'! 

 

Relationships
I've now got a different relationship with mum- well, sort of... it's not 'right' yet but I feel differently about her. In some ways for the better and in others for the worse. Part of me believes that she's never going to change and so I have to learn to forgive and accept so that I can move on. She still gets to me; I struggle to be myself around her and I don't like it- hence, work in progress.
Things are good with hubby. We've been through some up and downs over the past few years and early on this year too but we seem to have turned a corner. He seems to respect me a bit more as I respect myself. We still fall out but I now know I can hold my own and am no longer worried about him leaving me and being lone as I know I'd cope!
But the biggest change of relationship is the one I have with myself. Finally, I have a sense of 'self' and who I am and what I want. That little nagging voice inside, the one who used to say horrible things, has quietened down and have sometimes been known to say positive and encouraging things!! Who'd have thought it?! However, it's still there and will raise it's nasty little tone if there's an exposed weakness. But I now know how to ignore and quieten it down! RESULT!!

New Experiences
Photography course- was brave and booked a weekend course and learnt about my camera and how to use it.
Going to the theatre alone- Been to the theatre a lot this year but went to see Hamlet on my own and thoroughly enjoyed pleasing myself.
Gateway Women meet-ups going to and organising one myself- met a lovely group of ladies who treated me like a real person- much to do with the fact that I acted like a real person.
Yoga- I joined a yoga class in July and found something which I love! It's helped both my body and mind.
Meditation- something I poo-pooed in the past but it's an amazing thing to do and again something that's helped me enormously.

Body Image
Losing weight- I haven't quite reached my 2 stone loss but I'm not far off and my size 14 clothes are far too big for me and are hanging off me.
My Clothes - having lost the weight I am more interested in clothes. During the summer we found a lovely shop in Saffron Walden called 'Mistral' the manager was so lovely and helped me to try on new clothes which, previously, I wouldn't have gone near. But I stepped out of my dull drab comfort zone and bought a whole load of clothes which I felt totally different in. I have continued to buy clothes from Mistral and now have the type of wardrobe where I can mix and match my clothes. Gok would be proud!

Confidence

Over the year my confidence has steadily increased.So much so that I have a real sense of 'self'. For the first time in my 41 years I actually feel OK about this Hanna Vasey person!
This new found confidence has enabled me to push at school- increasing my responsibility and desire to drive the school forward. I now recognise that I have a lot of skills and knowledge and that I can do it!!

Being a childless woman
Over this year I have come to realise that I wanted to have a child to give myself some sort of meaning and purpose, which I now recognise that it definitely wouldn't. I feel that the pain of being childless is beginning to heal. It's more like a scar which aches every now and then.

Lessons learnt
I am a good teacher- much better than I ever gave myself credit for!
I know quite a bit and assume that because I know it, everyone else does- which is not the case!!
I can do anything I put my mind to- I can, if, I can just push myself to do it!
I have determination- I can start and finish things- sewing a skirt from a pattern was the catalyst fro this.
I can be tidy and organised- when I de-cluttered the house in the summer I realised that I could be tidy because it pleased me rather than to please others.
I am allowed and SHOULD please myself and not expect others to please me.

Hi there, me again.... 3 days to go to the great HO, HO HO!
I've had a good year and in the same vein that I approached my summer holiday, I have decided to reclaim Christmas for myself.

What do you mean, you ask? Well, For the last few Christmases it's been a huge reminder of what I haven't got, and a rebellion against those things which are Christmassey, due to the pain of not having, and never going to have, children. 

As for this year, becasue I am beginning to heal and move on, I have decided to accept those things which I like because I like them and want them in my life.

So I took part in the crib project in school. Each child and member was invited to create a crib to celebrate Christmas. So I put my creative talents to the test and made a crib out of wire. It gave me great pleasure to be creative and make something. I also enjoyed seeing something through to completetion, a skill I developed over the summer.

 

 

The next thing I did was to make a wreath for our door.I'd always admired them but didn't think they were worth the money that shops were charging for them. I had a vague idea of how to go about it; so I bought a wire ring and used some beads, ribbon and 'greenery' from the garden. And, if I say so myself it looks okay!

 

The next thing I have done is by presents for a child. My hubby's daughter gave birth earlier this year. So I have a grandson to buy for. When we asked what he wanted for Christmas, we were told that he wanted a light projector which projects lights on to the wall or a large play mat. Having trolled the internet, I have found both and purchased both. It was weird to buy gifts for a child as it's something I'd desperately wanted to to do in the past but never had anyone to buy for.

 

I also decided to tell my mum that we were having a grown up Chiristmas. Because she wanted Grandchildren she has bought me gifts which ar very childish in a way. But it's no fun being the 40year old child! So we're having a grown up Chirstmas!! Less is more!! And I'm calling the shots!

 

 

 

Happy Christmas!

 

 

 

 



 

 

Hi there,

Me again another year older and definitely another year wiser! I feel that I have definitely grown and matured in this first year of my FU forties!

Hubby and I went to the big smoke today, we often went into London after we got the results of our failed IVF attempts. But today, we chose to go to get a different scene and some much needed inspiration. I fancied looking at some photographs, professional ones. So I looked up photograph galleries and found one off Oxford Street. We went in and looked at the different exhibitions.

Ironically, their main exhibition was called ‘Home Truths about Motherhood’. There were a range of themes to the photos all from a range of artists. Some were quite graphic and shocking. Many involved nude pictures of mother and baby; some showing the scars of Cesarean sections or breast feeding. Another section tackled the role of the over 50 mother and how she tried to view herself as a sexual being and reclaim her identity now she was no longer ‘needed’ as much in her child’s life.

There was a huge image of a woman, a mother, who had been photographed, suspended from the ceiling of a lounge and through her legs (so that it she appeared to be trapped) was a dolls house. I found it annoying. For me it symbolised a lot of what I experience from many mothers. They act like martyrs and moan about not having a life because they are too busy with their children. This got me thinking about woman and how come a lot of women end up having kids but don’t have a sense of fulfilment.

In my work, as a primary school teacher, I come into contact with a lot of mothers: mothers of children that I teach as well as work colleagues. I do see a lot of doting mothers who ‘love’ their children to pieces, which is lovely. BUT, many of these women have happily given up their lives to be a mother and therefore put all their efforts into being everything to their child. However, I also see the other end those who couldn’t care less about their offspring. Send them into school without a bye or a care, clothes which haven’t been near a washing machine; children who can’t communicate without getting cross because that’s what they’ve experienced  at home.

It got me thinking. Why do women who clearly don’t like children have children? Surely, they would have been happier without these ‘burdens’? So why did they get pregnant and have a family?

After a lot of thinking I wondered if it came back to what I thought when I started to ponder my purpose. Do these women think that they will find meaning and purpose to their life once they become a mother? Or is it related to the fact that society expects woman to get married and then have children? Therefore these women have children because that’s what is expected of them rather because they consciously choose to have them. WHY? Why does this happen?

I think it’s because, despite the feminist movement and the birth of the contraceptive pill, society portrays the function and purpose of women is to procreate. Women ‘like the idea of becoming a mum’ but often the reality isn’t always the ‘strawberry and cream Cath Kidston world’ of their imagination.

 Again, I started to think, if this is true, then, “Are we doing our girls, our women, a disservice?” There are many ways to find one’s purpose and meaning and quite often it doesn’t come from having children. Why aren’t we educating our women? Why aren’t we asking our young girls to find out who they are, before they become someone else? (A wife, a mother.)

I guessing it has something to do with what I believe to be the main cause of society’s failure: ‘The breakdown of the family unit’. More and more children are growing up in a family which lacks a father and the influence of worldly wise grandparents. Girls are growing up and becoming women without a father and crave the balanced family unit which they themselves lacked. Boys also are growing up without the positive male role models.

May be we should do more? But what?

One section of the exhibition really ‘floored’ me. It was a photographic recount of a woman’s IVF journey. Hubby and I both choked back the tears as we walked along this woman’s too familiar journey. The photos were framed and displayed at heart level on a shelf and so you we able to literally walk the journey. Under the different sections were pages of a Filofax calendar with familiar markings of different dates which spanned across several years. On each photo the woman was pictured alone and the clear emotion which screamed out from the pictures was desolation. Other people at the exhibition saw the different images, but I guessing unless you have been through or connected to someone who has travelled through this path many of the images would be lost on the viewer. However, I hoped that the pictures would provoke a question about the process. It was good to see that it was represented as part of the motherhood home truths exhibition, as it did show a balanced representation.

So we found inspiration in a way. Well, it was more like we shared a bit of our pain in a way, as the exhibition struck a chord in both of us. However, we are both much more stronger because of the IVF and in spite of it and it was a shared experience which binds us together.

Another 30 days until my big review of the year…. Better look at what I was intending to do this year…

 

Well...it's almost twelve months since I started writing this blog. Next week I turn 41 and to be honest, 40 has been a bloody good year!

Don't get me wrong- it's not been perfect, but I feel like I'm worked my way through the sh*t and I'm being to emerge through the other side.

In the summer, I started reading a book called 'The dark side of the light chasers' by a lady called Debbie Ford. It was part of the healing process that happened over the summer months and I've picked it up again and the process is continuing!

One quote struck a chord with me: “There is nothing very enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you."

I feel that this had been the mantra of my life and without realising it; I had become so bloody good at it, that I had forgotten what was inside me. But over the last few months I have begun to blossom, to bloom, and to emerge. I truly feel like a butterfly who always believed that they were an ugly green caterpillar.

Whereas now, because I am finally beginning to feel comfy in my own skin, I feel like I am emerging out of my chrysalis and I'm becoming a beautiful butterfly!



I'm beginning to recognise that what I have been through and lived through, hasn't knocked me down, in fact, when I look at it I can use it to make me even stronger.

I was listening to Woman's Hour from Radio 4 on catch up today and they were talking to Lisa Jardine about IVF. There was another woman on there who was talking about her experiences and what she'd been through and how it had affected her. I can totally sympathise, she had been through 4 rounds, and much less invasion treatment than I had, but hard going none-the-less! She talked about how it affected her life. She had lost her business, affected her marriage and brought her to the brink of break down. I can believe it as the IVF roller coaster ride is definitely not for the faint hearted.

But, it got me thinking; I've turned out alright! I went through 6 rounds of IVF. The first being one where I donated half my eggs to a recipient. I still don't know if they were any good and resulted in children, I guess one day I will find out... Then I went through more and more rounds. Ones where we agreed to keep the embryos outside longer in order to establish the best- "going to Blastocyst". The last round that I did resulted in me having a soya infusion piped into to me via a drip. This treatment was so new that a new that a nurse came to my house for a couple of hours whilst she administered the drip and checked me so I didn't go into anaphylactic shock! We went through some tough times but in the end it always brought hubby and I closer together. I keep on going at school. Having very little time off at all! And bounced back and through myself into Christmas plays and other child orientated activities.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing about this is that I have finally come to the realisation that I'm actually made of tough stuff! Yes, I've been through the mill but I'm better for having been through it! In fact, I now realise that I should be drawing on the experience, and utilising the strength and making the best of myself.

I've been looking to move up in school, to get a promotion. But prior to this, I never felt worthy, good enough capable. Now just months on I feel so much more secure and confident. All I have to do now is find the right school.