Yep, that's definitely me- that little black figure looking down over the cliff and thinking about what might happen if I attempt the leap and fall short.

Falling short seems to be something I spend my life worrying about. TOO MUCH! So much so that I worry so much that I guarantee that I do fall short, every time. 

What I want to be? I'm still not sure what this looks like or feels like. All I know is that how I feel now, is not how I want to be or feel.

I've decided that I've been looking in the wrong places. I've been doing the things that will make others happy with me and then ULTIMATELY I will magically become happy with myself! However, because I'm doing those things I think will make others happy, they aren't the things that will actually make me happy and that's where I seem to fall short in effort and attitude. And therefore I'm still not happy.

When I search inside myself I can feel something of what I want for myself; it's when I interact with others, I seem to go wrong and get off track.  I automatically, without a conscious thought, offer up the power to make a choice to those I'm interacting with- CRAZY!! I realise this, now! But I've only just recognised this is what I've been doing.

AND the horrible thing is that when I give up the power and allow someone else to make the choice I feel CROSS and MAD because I didn't get to do what makes me happy. I've rationalised this to myself saying that 'THEY' ( those who I handed the power of the decision to) mustn't rate me very highly as they haven't chosen to do what I would have liked to do. Where, in fact, they didn't even know what I wanted because I didn't tell them what I wanted or that what I wanted was important enough! How daft is that? Why do I do this? Not entirely sure but I think it comes back to my teenage hood. I never did what I wanted it was always what my mum wanted. As I've said before, I didn't do the rebellion bit. And because I didn't rebel I didn't assert what it was that made made me ME. I had (and still don't have) a clear view of what makes me happy.

Easier said than done. This morning I woke up and decided that I was going to drive to Stratford on Avon and see a play at the theatre. I thought that I'd drive down go to the matinee performance and then mooch around the shops (the thought filled me with glee!). So, when I got up, I asked my other half what his plans were and he said he didn't have any. I told him what my plans were and his reply was 'You're going on your own?' Now, as soon as he said that, I felt GUILTY for wanting to do something which pleased me. So I said "You can come if you want." So he said YES he wanted to come. BUT this is where I went wrong, instead of explaining that I was planning to go to the afternoon performance, I ASKED him which performance he wanted to attend- he said evening! He then said we could leave at 3pm (not spend the day there, like I had originally intended). I was miffed because I didn't want to do this, this had not been my original intention, however, I realised that I hadn't made this clear. So I pointed it out that this wasn't what I wanted but I'd already booked the tickets for the evening performance by now.

 

However, according to him, I was the one who should have stuck to my guns and not compromised if it was so important to me! I just expected him to want to best for me- but I hadn't communicated that it was so important to me.

So what have I learnt from this?!

That actually I do know what I want!

I'm easily swayed, in fact, I expect to not get what I want and I even look for ways not to do what makes me happy.

So what  do I need to do?!

NOT give up so easily! Think through a bit more to make an informed decision.

Not expect others to do what I want without me telling them and then get upset because they do what they want - I need to be clear to myself and to others.

I think I need this tattooed on to my brain as I don't seem to live this at all! Must try harder!

Hx

 

 

 

Hi me again!

Have you heard the sunscreen song, you know the one “wear sun screen”. 

I love it, I wish I’d come across it years ago. It is definitely ‘a life song’…you know one of those which really chimes a chord in you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

The line that has been chiming loud this week is “Do one thing every day that scares you.”

Fear has been a huge thing in my life, unfortunately it has, or rather I have allowed it, to stop me from doing things that I want to do just because I’m scared.  I’ve spent so much of my life worried about upsetting people, doing the ‘wrong’ thing, making a fool of myself, getting into trouble or sometimes just too scared to do anything. However this week I have done a lot of things which I was scared of doing but I did anyway!

 

 

I told my mum about my childhood and how it has affected me. I got her to see my perspective.

 

 

                                                                               I went to the dentist.

 

 

 I phoned a guesthouse and booked a room for myself.

 

I drove to the coast and stayed overnight on my own.

 

 

 

 

I researched and put together a presentation.

I went to an interview and did my very best, believing ‘I was good enough’.

 

All in all it paid off!

My mum and I aren’t fixed but she began to appreciate my perspective.

I ended up having to have a filling.

The room cost me £35 and it had magnificent cobwebs!

I didn’t get the job!

Paid off?! You question. How is that it all paying off?

Well ….despite being scared, I did those things. I stepped out, took a risk and I’m so much better and stronger for doing it.

Okay I didn’t get the job, but I realised, for once, I was good enough but they just didn’t want me….someone else will. I’ve just got to find the right place for me.

I feel like I’m moving out of my teenage rebellion and to my 20’s where I’m beginning to get a sense of ‘self’ and beginning to become my own person.

 

 

Here's to pushing the edge of my comfort zone!

Hx

 

Hi there, long time no speak. I've been away, metephorically speaking anyway.

I'd love to say Da Dah! (in a number7 kind of way) that I have found myself! But I would be lying.

However, I do feel as though I've made strides in this voyage of self discovery.

Basically, I am experiencing something which most other people of my age went through 25 years ago. (Late developer or what?!) What am I on about? Teenage rebellion. Due to the nature of my family, I didn't do the stroppy teenage bit. I came in when I was told. I wore what was acceptable. Never argued, sulked, slammed, grunted or slobbed. Sadly, I was the dream teenage daughter. This fact has come back to bite me on the bum, big time!

Recetly, I've have been looking over my life as a whole, in the form of a time line reminising and looking the formative events which made me into the person I had become. My early life, i.e. the first 7 years were splatted with 'arguments'. My parents eventually separated and divorced by the time I was 13 but the years leading up to this weren't the most joyous. In fact, I have very few 'happy' childhood memories. I've realised that my parents weren't really ready to be parents so, as a result, I ended up parenting them, my little sister and ultimately myself.

A couple of years ago, I tackled my father about what happened and the role he played, but, strangely enough, he wanted me to understand the effect it had all had on him. A dead loss, sad, but true.

And so recently, I have tackled my mum. Mum was the parent with whom I lived after the divorce. We had a supportive relationship. By her own admittance I was such a 'reliable kid'. She would talk to me about stuff and I'd listen and help.I was the problem solver, the peace maker the one who could cope in a crisis. I was a 'good girl'. I did my best to look after my mum. Prior to the divorce, she was involved with a man who actually committed suicide 18months or so into their relationship. This was rough time in our lives. For me, my role was about 'keeping us' a float as a family. We had been through a lot together, some of it was quite rough and others just downright scary. But I helped stear, and sometimes bale out, the ship.



My mum was the eldest girl in a family of 3 children. She has a younger brother and sister. (My uncle is in the middle). She was born during the war and her father was in the RAF. So, when the war was over, she was no longer the babe in arms that he'd left behind. In fact he now had a young son and a new baby girl. My mum was no longer a baby but a little girl who was already walking, talking and had her own personality. From what my mum has told me, she and her Dad really struggled to develop a close bond. He couldn't relate to her, where as he was forming a really close bond with his other daughter. I believe that this had a huge effect on my mum and how she viewed herself. She's always had low self esteem and I believe this has come from this sibling rivalry. Subsquently she grew up with need to please but a personality to take risks and get noticed.

So, in my opinion she wasn't really ready to become a parent. She hadn't sorted out her own issues, she hadn't embarked of the voyage of self discovery. She had an idea of what she should do (in a view to please other). She became a wife and a mother- Da dah! Instant happiness! Yes?! NO!

This makes me look at my own journey. I was following in my mum's steps to a degree. If I'm honest, I was expecting the 'Da dah! moment' once I got married and started a family.... But it wasn't to happen. But, I think I would have been seriously disappointed. I wouldn't have found my purpose in life just by being a mother. It would have given me things to do but not necessary helped me to feel good about myself!

 

I grew up with this low self esteem as a consquence of my mother, my father, their arguments, their divorce and the belief I held about myself. I never felt good enough and believed that I wasn't worthy.

 

But, by standing up and tackling my parents I feel that I've asserted my worthiness. I've realised I am good enough! That how I felt as a child and a teenager was the bit that wasn't good enough- not ME!

I've realised that I've been through a lot and am actually made of tough stuff!

 

So, is my teenage rebellion over? erm...not sure....but I'm definitely getting through it!

(better late than never!)

 

So who am I? What is my purpose? What will give my life meaning? 

My voyage of self discovery continues....

The grass is always greener on the other side...or is it?

I do think it's a funny old thing. Life I mean. For the grass is always greener on the other side, or so we think....

I headed out into the big wide world this morning after being stuck in at home because I was poorly over Christmas and New Year. I had several things on my 'to do' list including a haircut and buy a few things for school.

I went to a fabric shop to buy some 'stuff ' for my classroom and bumped into someone from school. After wishing each other a Happy New Year, the first thing she said to me was "Yippee I've got a whole day without the children!" The woman has a family of 4 children who are very active and busy so I could appreciate that she was making the most of the 'me time'. But I did wonder....what I would do to have one child who I would spend my time with. The grass felt very bright and lusciously emerald for me at that moment. She had no idea how what she said felt like from my point of view, even though I know that this woman is fully aware of what I've been through. I also know that this woman is a kind hearted and gentle soul, so I knew she meant nothing by it, and would be devastated if she’d realised what she’d said to me and how it could be viewed.

 

But it got me thinking...

 

From her point of view, she was looking for empathy and understanding, (just like me). Our perspectives just differed, that's all. She was saying something to me which, if she would have said to any one of her other friends, would have ordinarily been greeted with gasps of envy such as "Oh lucky you...I've got the swimming run, or the ballet run"... or any other type of run on the 'social diary of their offspring'.

I often feel excluded by the ‘Yummy Mummy-hood' because I don't have children but also because I don't have anything in common with them to communicate about. It seems to me that often ‘Mummies’ are defined by their motherhood and they have only that to talk about.

And, unfortunately, as I reflect inwards, I ponder “I’m defined by my non-motherhood”. Am I? Is that true? Or, because I can’t define myself as a mother, I can only define myself by being a non-mother. But isn’t that where the flaw lies? Should a woman be defined by her ability (or lack of) to have children? I feel that this is not how it should be. Again as I reflect, if I had become a mother, I too would have joined the ‘yummy brigade’ and worn my badge with pride. But would I have been selling myself short? Surly that’s not the be all and end all of being a woman. So what is? I feel, if I could discover this, then this would help me on my path of discovery…

So what is a woman? And what defines womanhood?

Well, in the first instance, she’s a she and not a he! And all the bodily parts that define their differences, that’s what I learnt in my GCSE Biology class all those years ago.

 

Okay. But there’s more to it than that…

 

Women are nurturing, emotional, caring, loyal, protective all those qualities which are so conducive to being a ‘mother’ but am I any less than a woman by not being a mother? I hope not, but if I’m honest, I feel it… but is that not to do with my low self-esteem rather than my lack of motherhood?!

I need to ponder some more…. How am I going to define myself?

 

Watch this space…

New Year, New Me!

I like and dislike NEW YEARS EVE in equal measure. I like the excitement of a brand new fresh start but really dislike the fuss of partying and counting down to the strike of mid-night.

I also hate the thought of New Year’s resolutions which state that I need to do something, or not do something, because I'm still not good enough as I am!

 

So how do I make this New Year different from the last? I still feel like I'm not good enough, too fat, too unfit, too disorganised, too lazy, too indecisive blah, blah, blah...

 

But this year is going to be different!! But, HOW?

 

Years ago I attended a 'Women's Conference' and one of the seminars I attended was called "Fake it until you make it!" This has just come back to me loud and clear! This year, well this next year, 2013, I'm not going to behave as if I'm not good enough, in fact, quite the reverse- I'm going to act as though I'm already good enough and live this new childless path with happiness and confidence as though I've chosen it.

 

So, in ONE year’s time, when I sit at my computer on the eve of 2014, what do I want to be looking back on? What do I want to achieve in 2013? Oh, good question!? What does the happy and fulfilled childless woman think? (that's me talking to my new alter ego)

 

 

New experiences, as in tried new things, rather doing what I’ve always done and what’s familiar. Found new things which I like and even those I dislike (I’ll know because I’ve tried them and made an informed decision) I would like to have developed new friendships so that I others in my life to share my up and downs with. Lose weight so that I am able to enjoy a fit and active life style. Stay in the moment and not waste time in the past or in the ‘if only’. Not worry about the things I can’t change and begin to accept them. And do something about those things I can do something about!  Achieve something because I stuck at it, and worked at it. But what? That’s far too 'waffly'.

 A new job. Get promotion.  Have a photograph published. Write a book. Drink more water. Take a dance class. Join an amateur dramatic group. Go to a photography club.  Lose 2 stone in weight. Buy a pair of size 10 jeans because that’s my size…. Now am I being realistic or am I just re-hashing the same New Year’s Resolutions from the last 10 years?! In some ways I am, but I didn’t have the determination or the need which I now have. And I’m giving myself permission to decide I don’t like something as long as I’ve tried it rather than decide that I probably won’t like it without trying it.

So here’s to a fun filled year of activity in which I am ALREADY good enough and ‘act as if…’

H x

Another Christmas been and gone!

Well, that's it over for another year! Phew! This one was the first which wasn't prefaced with "This time next year..."

This was our first Christmas where the 'hope' of children was no longer valid.

To cut a long and painful story short, we've been trying for kids for years. Been through 6 (self- funded)  IVF cycles. 2 miscarriages .  2 adoption rejections.  We've decided it's not going to happen so, it's time to move on.... I say we've decided, it's more that it has been decided for us. But I'm trying to maintain some control by saying 'I've', 'We've' decided!

So, time to move on, to get on with our lives but where, what, how? This is where whoever REALLY decided, let us down. If we had truly decided, then surely we would have some modicum of idea as to what to do with our life- just us two...  but we don't....

We had originally decided that we would have a little girl (or a little boy, either would have been fine!!) We were going to have family meals around the table. We were going to the beach and the park to enjoy the simple things in life. You know, jumping waves or running through fallen leaves. We were going to play and dance and sing, we were going to have a fantastic bedtime routine and really enjoy being together. We were going to relive our childhoods though our child. But that's not going to happen....so what happens now? Good question!

The world's our oyster, we're child-FREE! We should make the most of this opportunity.

PARALYSIS is what is happening.... fear....bewilderment....indecision....

It's made me really question my whole life purpose....What is the point? What am I supposed to do? Dramatic, I know....but it is to me!

In this world in which we live, there seems to be a fixation with being a mother. Don't get me wrong I've bought into it along with the next woman. But is that what it's all about? Or is there a valid alternative? Well, that's what I'm hoping to explore and FIND over the next 12 months.

Hx